Eighteen Again

Motherhood has taught me a lot of lessons in the few months since I joined the club, but the biggest one I'm learning is how to give myself a break. That's a hard lesson to learn when I've been beating myself up about my body for most of my life.

In the recent past, I managed to develop a positive self-image and I've had several years of self acceptance, which included a few years where I was wearing the smallest sizes I'd ever worn as an adult. But now I'm wearing an 18 again, and I'm none too happy about it. I find myself too quickly falling back into that well of negative self-talk, a place that I thought I'd climbed out of for good.

Don't get me wrong. I recognize that I gave birth less than a year ago, and that my body did an amazing thing, growing a human being and all. Unfortunately, now that he's heading swiftly toward his first birthday and I'm not even close to fitting into my pre-pregnancy clothes, I'm having a bit of trouble looking at myself in the mirror and thinking happy thoughts.

I know I shouldn't be too hard on myself, but I also know how hard I worked to fit into that size 8 dress a couple of years ago. I know that I made some poor choices while I was pregnant and gave into too many cravings.

I can't take back all the weight I gained while I was pregnant, but I can choose each day to work my way back toward that size 8. I've done it before, and while it might take a bit more effort now that I don't have a gym membership or hours that I can spend doing cardio and lifting weights, I know I can do it again. And I hope I can teach my son to have a healthy relationship with food and exercise along the way.