Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Valentine's Day Doldrums

I'm a day late posting this because I just couldn't bring myself to write it yesterday in the midst of all the hearts and love and flowers and cards. I honestly thought I'd take it better. I thought it would be easy to get through if I just focused on the love I do have in my life.

But it wasn't. Especially when friends and co-workers started talking about the flowers and gifts they were receiving while I sat at my desk and wondered if I'd ever have a Valentine again.

The thing is, this Valentine's Day didn't feel much different to me than it has the last few years, despite the fact that I'm now single. For six years I did have a Valentine, and that still wasn't enough. Even when I was in a relationship, Valentine's Day rarely brought a card or flowers or gifts. It was just another day when I would give all the love I had and would end up feeling spent and empty because he gave me so little in return.

It was that realization, that remembering, that made me sad on Valentine's Day. Not the absence of flowers or a box of candy, not even the absence of a significant other, but the undeniable truth of how little I had settled for in my last relationship, how little I had loved and cared for myself.

Feeling sad and lonely, I came home to find two Valentines in my mailbox. The first was from a blog friend who seems to have a knack for sending me the sweetest gifts and notes exactly when I need them (thanks, Jen!). The second was from a long-time friend who has proven herself to be a true Valentine, showing me a love that is full and complete and entirely unconditional. By the time I fell asleep last night, after reading and rereading her card, I felt buoyed by the love I do have and reminded that Valentines Day is just a day like any other day. Today, just like yesterday, is an opportunity to be someone's Valentine, to be my own Valentine, to give--and just as importantly to receive--love completely.

(Photo Credit: seyed mostafa zamani)


Alexis Grant said...

Sending you virtual hugs! This post made me cry. I feel ya. Gotta love ourselves before someone else will love us fully! You'll have a Valentine again soon :)

Angela Hood-Ross said...

I agree with Alexis. You must love yourself before you can allow anyone else to love you. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings.

Ami said...

Thanks for commenting, ladies! Loving myself wildly today! :)

Kerri Olkjer said...

HUGS. Such a great post.

Karina said...

Great post!

I'm single too, and have been for a long time now. I wrote my own post about Valentine's day last week...I haven't had a "Valentine" in so many years I don't even remember what it feels like. I do, however, remember being disappointed, or feeling neglected, and "spent" as you say when I did have someone on Valentine's day, often.

For years, as a single girl, Valentine's day hasn't bothered me at all, just another day.

This year, because I'm at a point where I'd like to be in a relationship, I thought it would be really hard for me.

But...I made plans to cook and hang out with my little sister, and had the best day ever.

Love comes in all forms, and those of use who have true, FRIEND love, are so very blessed indeed. ;-)

Ami said...

Thanks Kat and Karina! It felt good just to get it out and really FEEL what I was feeling. I'm in a much more positive place now. :)

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