Things to Come

Hello, my blog friends. I miss you.

Fear not, I'm still around. I'm just a little overwhelmed by life lately. I'm mentally exhausted by my "real" job these days. Not to complain, because I'm extremely grateful to HAVE a "real" job right now. That said, things are a bit crazy at the office and long days with serious stress and without time for exercise leave little energy for anything other than passive experiences like watching movies, listening to NPR, cuddling with My Love and the cat, and typing the occasional tweet.

When I do have the mental energy to think, I've been sprucing things up and finding more focus for my writing blog, making sure I meet my commitments to the other places I write and brainstorming ideas for getting paid for my words.

The spring sunshine is starting to energize me, though. I'm getting excited for fresh fruits and vegetables from the farmers' market and CSA shares again. I hope you're ready for another few months of posts focused on what I'm eating (and maybe even growing -- I'm planning another container garden). I can't wait for fresh greens, asparagus, tomatoes, strawberries, watermelon, corn...

What are you up to these days?

Sunday Scribblings: Scary Times

It's been quite a while since I participated in Sunday Scribblings, but this week's prompt seemed to so perfectly describe my life these days that I decided to jump back in.

Prompt #158: Scary

Have you ever wished you could see what the future would hold for you?

I've always been one of those people who would say, "Yes! Of course!", if asked this question. The irony here is that I'm at a place in my life where I can be pretty certain of exactly where things are headed and what my future holds - my near future at least - and I'm not sure I like having this certainty. It rarely occurred to me that I might not like what I would see in the crystal ball. Or that even if I did like what I saw, I might not like knowing it.

In fact, I'm finding it a bit scary that my life seems to be laid out before me. What should be comforting - the knowledge that I'm getting exactly what I hoped for, that things are falling into place just where I wanted them to - is making me anxious and antsy.

I'm grateful for every step that brings me closer to my writing dreams. I'm excited for the growth of my relationship with My Love and for a future that includes marriage and children. And yet I'm scared and shaky. The realization that walking through each of these open doors closes hundreds of others makes me fearful. Sure, I wouldn't have chosen to walk through most of those doors that closed anyway. But just knowing that my choices are becoming more limited at every fork in the road makes my stomach sink.

I like options. I like freedom. I like opportunities. Call me selfish, call me confused, call me crazy, but I want to have both. Can't I? Can't I have what I want and still be free to chose something else later?

I'm grateful for all the blessings in my life. Really. I am. I love My Love. I love being able to write for a living. And I love knowing that my writing career is headed in the right direction. I suppose if I focus on these things, remembering that I chose them and worked for them, I might be able to see past the suffocating feeling I get when I realize the choices available in my own "Choose Your Own Adventure" story are slowly being whittled away.

Or maybe I just need therapy.

What I Really Want

While I was away last weekend enjoying a couple of days in Atlantic City with My Love, I received an email from a someone interested in hiring me for some technical writing work. Extremely excited that this person found me through my website and wanted to speak with me about some potential work, I contacted him and we set up a phone meeting. It seemed to be perfect timing, since I've been trying to build up my freelance business so that when I'm finally ready to let go of the full-time job I'll have some steady work to pay the bills.

Unfortunately, the new project wasn't meant to be. It turns out the company needs someone for this particular project who is available during business hours. When the contact told me this, I actually considered quitting my job and throwing my hat in the freelance ring immediately. The thought was fleeting, but I think it was pretty revealing. I think it gave me a real glimpse into what I really want for my life.

I desire so much to take on this "freelance thing" full-time. I know it will be a challenge, and maybe I'm naive to think that I'll be able to make enough money to live off of, but I want to give it a try. Sadly, that fear of not making it, of having to go crawling back to my full-time job--or worse to find another one--keeps me firmly planted in my chair at The Job with one foot over the freelance line.

Thankfully, this new contact is interested in using my services for future projects and asked me to keep in touch, which I'll gladly do. Maybe the right work will come along at just the right time and I'll be ready to take the step over that freelance line. In any event, I've made a new professional connection and that makes me excited for whatever might be around the corner.