Saturday, April 11, 2009

Sunday Scribblings: Scary Times

It's been quite a while since I participated in Sunday Scribblings, but this week's prompt seemed to so perfectly describe my life these days that I decided to jump back in.

Prompt #158: Scary

Have you ever wished you could see what the future would hold for you?

I've always been one of those people who would say, "Yes! Of course!", if asked this question. The irony here is that I'm at a place in my life where I can be pretty certain of exactly where things are headed and what my future holds - my near future at least - and I'm not sure I like having this certainty. It rarely occurred to me that I might not like what I would see in the crystal ball. Or that even if I did like what I saw, I might not like knowing it.

In fact, I'm finding it a bit scary that my life seems to be laid out before me. What should be comforting - the knowledge that I'm getting exactly what I hoped for, that things are falling into place just where I wanted them to - is making me anxious and antsy.

I'm grateful for every step that brings me closer to my writing dreams. I'm excited for the growth of my relationship with My Love and for a future that includes marriage and children. And yet I'm scared and shaky. The realization that walking through each of these open doors closes hundreds of others makes me fearful. Sure, I wouldn't have chosen to walk through most of those doors that closed anyway. But just knowing that my choices are becoming more limited at every fork in the road makes my stomach sink.

I like options. I like freedom. I like opportunities. Call me selfish, call me confused, call me crazy, but I want to have both. Can't I? Can't I have what I want and still be free to chose something else later?

I'm grateful for all the blessings in my life. Really. I am. I love My Love. I love being able to write for a living. And I love knowing that my writing career is headed in the right direction. I suppose if I focus on these things, remembering that I chose them and worked for them, I might be able to see past the suffocating feeling I get when I realize the choices available in my own "Choose Your Own Adventure" story are slowly being whittled away.

Or maybe I just need therapy.


Melanie said...

I finally got into grad school after working towards it for years... and I've never been more terrified. Ahhhhh! Ahhhhh!

I think that getting what we want is often the scariest because there's so much more to lose if it goes wrong somehow.

Good luck with everything - writing, life, love, etc... and xo hugs and all that, too.

Ami said...

Reluctant - I never thought of it that way. There's more to lose when we're on our way to getting (or get) what we want. Thanks for the comment!

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