Sunday, July 20, 2008

It's Not You; It's Me

As usual, the anxiety of seeing my family and the anticipation of being put on the defensive was completely unfounded. My own insecurities got the best of me again; my own critical voice telling me that I haven't done enough, become successful enough, achieved enough. Sure, there were questions, but never once did I feel like I had to defend my answers or prove myself. I especially enjoyed the time I got to spend talking with cousins I haven't seen in years. I'm always surprised by how well I fit with these people that I see so rarely. Genetics really are a powerful thing.

And now, I'm back, safe and sound. I'm glad to be home, but it's hard not to be sad that my family is so spread out, that we see each other so little. I always find the return drive so bittersweet. My family in the rear-view as I head south, away from the country life I know so intimately and yet toward the city life that has become so perfectly mine. If only I could have both at the same time.


Anonymous said...

I can totally relate to your feelings. As much as I miss not having a larger family, when I read about the family drama other people deal with I'm SO thankful that it's basically just my dad (and my brother that I see maybe once every 5 years).

I have to say, dealing with family crap after a 6.5 hour drive is reason enough to dread the whole experience.
Sounds like you handled yourself well enough though so good for you!

Anonymous said...

i know exactly how you feel! some of my closest family is across the ocean, so every return trip i make (every 2-3 years) there is a long game of catch up as well as future-up! but i do love how after 3 years i can just sink into a couch with a cup of tea and not worry all that much about what i say, since they can't get rid of me that easy. apparently, they're only coming to canada for a wedding. they might be waiting for a while.

Neil said...

During the grandparents' generation, everyone in the family tended to live near each other. From what I hear, there was a lot of drama back then, with fighting and such. Now, my family is all over the place. There is much less fighting. But we hardly know each other.

patresa hartman said...

i love your last 2 sentences. hearty.

Ami said...

la blogger gal - It's funny, because even with all the "drama" of having a big, convoluted, non-nuclear family, I'd totally miss it if I didn't have it.

akula - That's when you know you're loved. When you can just pick up right where you left off as if no time had passed at all.

Neil - I guess like everything else, there are pros and cons. I think I'd rather have drama than be so far apart from my family. Of course, I might feel differently if I had more "pseudo-family" (i.e. more friends) where I am, but they're all spread out across the country now, too.

P - Thanks. I think I could have posted just those last few sentences and gotten my point across just the same.

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