Cleaning Out the Closet

I've been holding on to pre-baby clothes (from the thinnest period of my life) for five years. Five. Freaking. Years.

At first, I was hopeful to be back in them by the time my oldest was a year old. Then I was pregnant with my second...and now he's almost three and I'm at the heaviest weight I've ever been. 

I'm working on that. But it's tough feeding myself well and squeezing in exercise with two little ones who require so much attention and love and care--all of which I want to heap on them every available minute. So getting my body healthy and strong again is a process and I'm trying to be positive about it. 

Still, every time I opened my closet (or even thought about it because I knew the clothes were in there) I felt miserable. I felt angry and upset with myself. I felt sad that I'm not able to wear those clothes, because I really loved some of them.

For some reason, though, today I decided it was time to change that. I suddenly felt like it was time to let those clothes go.

So with my boys' help, I pulled out every last piece of "skinny" clothing and packed it into a box for Goodwill or set it aside to sell. It was a little like a funeral, saying goodbye to all those dresses and shirts I loved. But it was also cathartic. It was like I was releasing all the negative feelings I had been holding in. 

I feel like I can finally move forward instead of dwelling in the past. And that feels pretty amazing.

Mirror, Mirror

object mirror object by Emilie is licensed under CC BY 2.0

I've never been a fan of the mirror. Even at my thinnest, I wasn't one to spend much time checking my reflection. But in the last few weeks I've realized that for months (maybe even years) I've been avoiding the mirror.

I don't know when I stopped looking in the mirror. It wasn't a conscious decision. It just happened. My mirror avoidance developed as quickly and quietly as the pounds packed on.

Of course I glance at my face as I wash or apply lotion. I sometimes check my outfit to make sure there aren't any hand prints or stains on my clothes. But I won't linger. I won't really LOOK at my reflection.

Why? What am I afraid of?

I'm afraid of the thoughts that might arise as I scan my body, recognizing curves that have become rounder and fuller than they were a few years ago. I'm ashamed and embarrassed by what my body has become.

I know that's not what I'm supposed to think. I know it's not how I'm supposed to feel about this body that has created life, that has carried me through challenges and adventures and tragedies alike. I know I'm supposed to love my body just as it is. But right now, I just can't. Or at least until now, I haven't been able to.

Today, I stood in front of the mirror before I got into the shower. I looked--really looked--at my body. This is what I saw: a round face that looks tired but happy; shoulders that keep creeping up toward my ears instead of relaxing down my back; a chest that is rounder and hangs lower than ever before; a belly that droops over a long scar, hiding the evidence that babies formed and grew inside me; thighs that overlap and rub against one another; ankles that are like tree trunks and feet that are wide and flat from years of bearing the weight above them.

This is all what IS. I'm doing my best not to judge it. It is my body after growing two healthy boys. It is my body after several years of stress, overwhelm, poor eating, lack of exercise and minimal self-care. This is where I am now. It does not have to be where I end up.

I worry, though, that I've let things go too far. I fear I've forgotten how to be healthy. I wonder if there's really time and energy to take care of myself, to plan healthy meals (and cook them), to exercise and practice yoga on more than an occasional basis.

I still have to try. My body is begging me. I feel so heavy and uncomfortable. I lack energy and I'm irritable. I realize I can't change what has already happened. I can only change what I do and feel from here forward.

And so today I choose to go to the gym. Today I choose to eat healthier than yesterday. Today I choose to stand in front of the mirror and look at my body without judgement.

With each day, hopefully, I can rebuild those healthier habits. I can do one thing to take care of myself. I can learn to look in the mirror and see my body through a lens of appreciation again, no matter what the scale says and no matter what size my pants are.

I will do my best today. That's all I can do.

Eighteen Again

Motherhood has taught me a lot of lessons in the few months since I joined the club, but the biggest one I'm learning is how to give myself a break. That's a hard lesson to learn when I've been beating myself up about my body for most of my life.

In the recent past, I managed to develop a positive self-image and I've had several years of self acceptance, which included a few years where I was wearing the smallest sizes I'd ever worn as an adult. But now I'm wearing an 18 again, and I'm none too happy about it. I find myself too quickly falling back into that well of negative self-talk, a place that I thought I'd climbed out of for good.

Don't get me wrong. I recognize that I gave birth less than a year ago, and that my body did an amazing thing, growing a human being and all. Unfortunately, now that he's heading swiftly toward his first birthday and I'm not even close to fitting into my pre-pregnancy clothes, I'm having a bit of trouble looking at myself in the mirror and thinking happy thoughts.

I know I shouldn't be too hard on myself, but I also know how hard I worked to fit into that size 8 dress a couple of years ago. I know that I made some poor choices while I was pregnant and gave into too many cravings.

I can't take back all the weight I gained while I was pregnant, but I can choose each day to work my way back toward that size 8. I've done it before, and while it might take a bit more effort now that I don't have a gym membership or hours that I can spend doing cardio and lifting weights, I know I can do it again. And I hope I can teach my son to have a healthy relationship with food and exercise along the way.

Peace with Food

Confession: I hate being hungry.

I know, no one likes to be hungry. But my aversion to hunger seems to go beyond what I would consider normal. At some point early in my life, hunger became something I avoided at all costs. The sensation actually made me anxious, and I do everything I can to avoid feeling that rumbling.

As soon as my stomach starts to feel empty I immediately seek out something to quell the sensation. In fact, I'm often thinking about what I can or will eat long before hunger even makes an appearance. Which means food has always had power over me.

That desire to avoid emptiness eventually transferred into something more sinister, a disordered relationship with food that extended from eating at the slightest hint of hunger to eating whenever I felt emotionally empty. I know I'm not the only one. I realize that most women, and a good number of men, have some sort of strained relationship with food. But I'm pretty sure my problem crossed the line on more than one occasion from simple emotional eating to what I would have called binge eating. I never purged, but I could eat more than a thousand calories in less than an hour. This binging has subsided over the last few years, as I've discovered ways to better deal with that emotional emptiness, but that fear of hunger still remains.

So imagine my anxiety when I found out that my yoga teacher training group would be completing a juice fast together. At first I was excited to face the challenge. I even volunteered to fast for an additional day. I was caught up in the excitement of the group, interested in experimenting with my diet in a new way. Then the fear started creeping in.

What if I couldn't do it? What if I got really hungry? What if the cravings were too much? What if I wasn't strong enough? The self-doubt and insecurity crept in one question at a time.

To deal with the anxiety, I started planning immediately. I weaned myself off caffeine. I decreased my sugar and white flour intake. And I bought plenty of juice--apple, pomegranate, white grape and cranberry--and vegetable broth

After my dinner on Thursday night, a dinner which I enjoyed slowly and mindfully knowing that it would be my last meal until Sunday afternoon, I settled into the knowledge that my diet would consist only of liquids for more than 60 hours. Then something unexpected happened.

I felt relieved.

Friday I drank juice, water or herbal tea when I was thirsty. If I got hungry, I had a cup of broth. But I never once worried about what I would eat, where my next meal would come from, or when I could finally have solid food again. The anxiety was gone. I knew I would eat on Sunday, and in the meantime, I didn't really think about food. And I felt so alive, it was like every cell in my body was vibrating with energy.

When teacher training started Friday evening, we had a group yoga practice and I found myself able to get more deeper into some poses than I'd ever been before. My focus was intense. My body was responding in new ways. Saturday was a bit more difficult. By the afternoon I was starting to feel a bit more lethargic and the physical hunger was becoming more intense. The anxiety never came up, though. It seemed I was moving beyond my fear of hunger and into a new phase of my relationship with food. It had no control over me anymore.

I could trust that I would never have to eat anything unless I chose to. That would be my challenge once the fast was over. To maintain my sense of control over food. Not for the purpose of going to the other extreme and severely limiting my food intake. But for the purpose of allowing myself time and space to be hungry, to really experience meals when I did choose to eat, and to recognize the effects different foods have on my body.

When we finally broke fast together on Sunday afternoon, every bite was like a flavor explosion in my mouth. After tasting nothing but water, diluted juices, vegetable broth and unsweetened teas, the taste of a strawberry was powerful. The saltiness of a peanut made my mouth water. The crunch of a carrot felt like a blessing.

Almost two weeks later, I'm still having revelations about that fasting experience. Each time I find myself eating when I'm not really hungry or mindlessly munching on a snack during the day, I remember that feeling of power that came with emptiness, and I relax. I've finally found some peace with food. I have the power now, and I know how to use it.

(Photo credit: Shermeee)

This piece was cross-posted at bookieboo.com, where I'll be journaling about my experience as I learn to teach yoga (and become a more dedicated yoga student in the process).

A Yogini in the Making

Three months ago, when I broke up with my boyfriend of six-and-a-half years, I braced myself for the anger and grief that I knew would follow. It washes over me, the way powerful emotion so often does, in waves that swell, crash and then recede. But under all of that painful emotion, there has been a glimmer of hope that I haven’t felt in a while.

I’d spent the last three years of our relationship denying my own desires for more attention and commitment, and putting goals on hold, imagining they’d be easier to achieve with a spouse by my side. I wished for a committed, reciprocal relationship with marriage and babies on the horizon. It wasn’t happening, though. And so finally, when the pain of waiting on The Ex became greater than the hope of some imagined future together, I decided to move on.

In my new-found freedom, not just from the relationship, but from the limits I’d put on myself while waiting on him, I decided to do something I’ve been considering for a couple of years now. I started doing some research, and without thinking too long about it, I filled out an application for a popular 200-hour yoga teacher training program that would fit into my schedule, and sent in my deposit.

The second guessing and self-doubt started almost immediately, but I held strong and the excitement for something new and life-changing quickly took over. I’ll be in training classes one weekend a month and will take at least three yoga classes a week throughout the eight months the training takes place. As the first training weekend approaches, my excitement is growing. I believe this experience is going to be powerful. My body will change, of course, as I immerse myself into regular, dedicated yoga practice. But I’m thinking beyond my body.

I’m feeling inspired in my writing after just a single class with the training instructor, and I expect that inspiration will only grow as I turn inward in my practice. I look forward to learning meditation techniques that will help me center and focus myself. My interest in the philosophy behind yoga is increasing, and I can’t wait to dig into the book list—fifteen texts, including everything from The Bhagavad Gita to an anatomy reference book to a guide to macrobiotic cooking—and start learning and exploring new ideas.

The intended end-result of this teacher training program is to earn a certificate that allows me to teach yoga to others. But I have a feeling I’m going to get more out of the next several months than I could even begin to imagine right now. For once, I’m not concerned about the unknowing. I’m happy to be taking a step forward, wherever that step may take me.

This piece was cross-posted at bookieboo.com, where I'll be journaling about my experience as I learn to teach yoga (and become a more dedicated yoga student in the process).

Review: The Kind Diet by Alicia Silverstone

Long before I stopped eating meat (a year ago this past weekend), I started thinking a lot about how what I eat affects me and the world around me. It started with a desire to eat more locally grown and sourced foods, but it evolved into something bigger. As I read books like The Omnivore's Dilemma and Animal, Vegetable, Miracle, I started to realize that I could choose the impact my meals have on the environment, as well as on my body.

The next logical step for me was, to the best of my ability, to eat meat that was sustainably, organically, and locally raised. And as the cost of this decision weighed on my budget, I decided that eating less and less meat might be a good idea. Eventually, meat dropped off my menu radar, and I've been OK with that for a year now. Especially after watching Food, Inc.

When I heard about Alicia Silverstone's book, The Kind Diet, I figured it was right up my alley. In it, she shares the information and arguments that eventually convinced her to shift from a vegetarian diet to a vegan diet and then to what she calls The Superhero diet, her personalized version of a macrobiotic diet.

Part I of The Kind Diet is the rhyme and reason of eating a diet that is kind both to your body and to the earth. As I started reading Part I, I felt like Silverstone was preaching to the choir. I knew much of what she was telling me: that eating meat and animal products affects not only animals, but ultimately the environment, soil quality, fossil fuel consumption and more. But as I read more, I learned (or was reminded of) more. Silverstone isn't preachy. Her opinion on the subject is very clear, but she gives you the facts and plenty of information so that you can make your own educated decision. Throughout this first section, I found myself nodding along with her friendly encouragement, and even (*gasp*) considering trying a vegan diet for a month. (No Greek yogurt? No cheese? Yikes!)

Part II describes how you can begin "Living The Kind Life". Unlike other "diet" books, Silverstone doesn't encourage readers to jump into an extreme diet from the get-go. Instead, she describes how readers can "Flirt" with eating a kinder diet, begin going vegan, and then become a "superhero". She suggests you choose the plan that fits where you are now and give it a try. Then, as you get used to eating in a new way, you can increase your commitment, until eventually you're a Superhero. She makes giving up meat, fish, dairy products and processed foods seem simple, gradual, almost painless. Of course, she also encourages adding foods that are pleasing to your palate so that you don't miss those foods nearly as much. And she gives suggestions on ways that you can begin to make the shift toward kind eating if you're not ready to go all the way, and still see some of the positive effects.

Part III is a rather impressive collection of Vegan and Superhero recipes. I have to admit that I haven't tried any of the recipes yet, but I am looking forward to it. Who could resist the allure of vegan Peanut Butter Pie and Mixed Berry "Cheese"cake? And then there's the Risotto with Oyster Mushrooms, Leeks and Peas, and Rice Pilaf with Caramelized Onions. I'll be sure to share them with you once I get around to making them.

In the meantime, I'd recommend you check out The Kind Diet if you're interested in eating a more sustainable, healthier and, well, kinder diet.

June Fit 'N' Healthy Challenge

The first month of the Fit 'N' Healthy Challenge is now behind us. How did you do on May's goal to get 30 minutes of moderate exercise 5 or more days a week? Were you successful, or could you have done better? Did you actively pursue the goal, even if you didn't always reach it? Sometimes, not giving up on a goal is more important than reaching the goal itself.

I managed to eek out a successful month, despite some pretty lazy weekends and a lot of rain keeping me from my midday walks. The gym was definitely my friend in May. And knowing that I'd started this challenge and people would be checking in on my progress kept me pushing toward 5 active days a week. Thanks to my fellow challengers for that motivation!

If you're just joining in on the Fit 'N' Healthy Challenge, the goal is to make and work toward one fitness, health or wellness goal each month. At the beginning of the month, I’ll offer up a goal that we can all work toward and throughout the month I’ll check in to make sure we’re all on track. If the monthly goal speaks to you, feel free to jump in and join us. Just leave a comment letting me know you’re trying to get fit and healthy, too. If the goal isn’t for you, don’t worry. You can still join in. Set your own goal for the month, post it in the comments and we’ll cheer you on as you work toward your goal, too.

This month's goal is targeting my personal tendency to stick with what I know. Inevitably, this leads to exercise boredom or an activity rut. Then I'm more likely to skip the exercise altogether instead of changing it up. So to jump start my fitness routine and get me out of my comfort zone, I'm encouraging a little exercise adventure.

June’s Fit 'N' Healthy Challenge is:

Try at least one NEW exercise activity each week.

We're building on May's challenge, so keep exercising at least 30 minutes, 5 days a week. But this month, try adding in some new exercise activities. It's summer, so there are plenty of options out there. Get a group together, head to the park and play Frisbee, touch football or soccer. Take the kids to the pool and swim some laps. Or try a new fitness class at the gym. (If you haven't tried Zumba and you can find a class near you, I'd highly recommend it for a fun way to burn plenty of calories).

Are you in? If so, you can check back here to tell us what types of activities you're trying out this month and/or tweet about your progress using the #fitNhealthy hash tag. You can also grab the Fit ‘N’ Healthy button to put on your blog. (Thanks again to Mel, of Mel's Box of Chocolates, for the awesome challenge button!)

Let's have a Fit & Healthy June!

On Losing Weight Without Even Trying

I recently spent five days in Dallas for a conference. While I learned so much about the Technical Communication field and what other tech communicators are doing, I spent a good deal of my time in Dallas, socializing, eating, drinking and enjoying myself.

And yet I didn't gain a pound.

That's right. I chose whatever I wanted off the menu, ate until I was completely satisfied, enjoyed a few alcoholic beverages and only got to the fitness center two mornings of the five I was there, but I didn't gain any weight. In fact, I lost three pounds.

At first, I was totally shocked by this turn of events. After all, I hadn't been obsessing about workouts or counting every calorie (or any calories, for that matter). I wasn't eating fruit and salads all day long. I didn't refuse a glass of wine with dinner or a beer at the social gatherings.

As I thought about it more, though, I had a light-bulb moment. If I could lose weight in Dallas, surrounded by food and drink and so busy I didn't have time to get to the gym, then surely I could do it at home. But what was it about those five days that made possible? After some careful evaluation, here's what I came up with:

1. I was walking everywhere. I wore my Gruve the entire time, and it turns out that I was burning so many calories my Green Goal increased twice by the time I got home from 10 days of traveling.
2. I made healthy choices at most meals, but didn't deprive myself of treats. I may have had a few fries, a bagel for breakfast, or cream sauce on my cheesy enchiladas, but I balanced it out with salads, fruit, sushi and other tasty, but healthier, meals and snacks.
3. I wasn't snacking all day and when I did eat, I was paying attention. While I carried a couple of healthy snacks with me at all times, I was too busy to think about eating them between meals. When we finally sat down to a meal, I was enjoying the dishes (and the company) so much that I ate them much more mindfully than I might at home on my couch.
4. I was happy and less stressed. I was meeting new people, having stimulating conversations, learning new things and all-around enjoying myself. High happiness and low stress makes Ami less of an emotional eater.

In almost perfect contrast, I spent the four days following my Dallas trip in NY with my family for Grampy's burial. Enter long car trips and gas station snacks; comfort food available almost 24/7; plenty of pizza, chips and donuts; emotional turbulence; a bit of family drama; and less exercise due to a busy schedule and cold weather. Those three pounds I lost in Dallas quickly returned.

This made it even clearer to me that I can stay fit and healthy if I:

• fit activity in wherever I can
• eat well and allow myself occasional treats
• eat snacks only when I really need them
• am mindful during meals and enjoy what I'm eating
• can manage stress with exercise and enjoyable activities
• surround myself with people, things and activities that make me happy

Being healthy, and even losing weight, is about so much more than just counting calories and sweating it out on the treadmill. I've always heard this, maybe even knew it to some extent, but I've finally got my own proof that it's true. I feel like I've turned a corner in this journey and I don't ever want to look back.

Fit 'N' Healthy Challenge

April is over and I hope everyone who joined me in my Active April Challenge met their goals, or at least made some progress toward them. Thanks to that check in last week, I did!

Now that May is here, I wanted to take on a new challenge, so I’ve decided to take the idea behind Active April and morph it into a monthly challenge that I could adjust based on changes I want to make in my life -- changes that will improve my health, fitness and overall wellness. I'm calling it the Fit 'N' Healthy Challenge.

The goal of Fit 'N' Healthy is to make and work toward one fitness, health or wellness goal each month. At the beginning of the month, I’ll offer up a goal that we can all work toward and throughout the month I’ll check in to make sure we’re all on track. If the monthly goal speaks to you, feel free to jump in and join us. Just leave a comment letting me know you’re trying to get fit and healthy, too. If the goal isn’t for you, don’t worry. You can still join in. Set your own goal for the month, post it in the comments and we’ll cheer you on as you work toward your goal, too.

Alright! Let’s get started. May’s Fit 'N' Healthy Challenge is:

Get 30 minutes of moderate exercise 5 or more days a week.

That’s it. You choose the activity, so long as it gets your heart pumping. The 30 minutes doesn’t have to be consecutive, but let’s aim for at least 10 minutes at a time.

Are you in? If so, you can check back here to report your progress and/or tweet about your progress using the #fitNhealthy hash tag. You can also grab the Fit ‘N’ Healthy button below to put on your blog.

Let's get Fit & Healthy!

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Take a Hike (and Burn Lots of Calories)

This weekend I took the Metro into DC to visit with Alexis of The Traveling Writer. It was a beautiful day and we decided it was a perfect opportunity to head to the park and go "hiking". To a hiker, it probably would have seemed more like walking, but to someone used to neighborhood walks and treadmill hills, it was a hike. Trust me when I say this.

The conversation was so great that we ended up walking for about two hours without even realizing how much time had passed. By the time we made our way out of the park (and up another REALLY steep hill), we were starving and our legs were screaming.

A little sweaty, but too hungry to care, and with legs getting stiffer by the second, we hopped on the Metro and headed to Dupont Circle for brunch at Kramerbooks & Afterwards. This place is ingenious! If you've never been there and are in the DC area, you should check it out. It's a bookstore and cafe under one roof, which seems pretty common place -- except that Kramers serves real meals, not just coffee, muffins and the odd sandwich or soup. Their Saturday brunch included a full menu of options (everything from French toast to omelets to sandwiches) to choose from. I can't vouch for all the other dishes, but I had the Tomato Avocado Cafe Benedicts which was delicious, and I didn't even feel bad eating the fried potatoes after all that hill-walking.

When we were finished eating, we couldn't help but hang around and browse the bookstore, which I'm sure is exactly what they expect their Cafe patrons will do. Considering the bookstore's relatively small size, the selection had more variety than I would have expected. It's the type of bookstore you could spend hours browsing in. Our legs weren't up for that, though, so we headed back, Alexis to do some reading and writing and me to make the trip back to Baltimore.

Despite the sore legs, it was a wonderful day and I was reminded just how much I love being active and enjoying nature. It's so much more fun then trudging along on the treadmill indoors (at least until it gets to be 90 degrees outside).

When I got back home, I plugged in my Gruve to see how the day worth of walking translated into calorie burn. I was shocked to see that in those two hours of hiking I burned about 500 calories and between 8AM and 6PM I had burned 1,000 calories! That's in contrast to the average 450 calories per day I burned the rest of the week. Talk about an Active April!

Speaking of which, if you're still interested in joining the Active April Challenge, you can set your goals and jump in any time. We even have a button now, thanks to Mel!

A Shredding Summary and a New Challenge

When I signed up to complete the 30 Day Shred challenge I didn't exactly commit to it wholeheartedly. I knew that committing to do something 30 days in a row would be difficult, so I gave myself some outs. I set a personal goal to do the Shred at least 4 days a week instead of committing to a straight 30 days. I doubted that I would succeed at completing the challenge, and my altered goal seemed much more do-able with my schedule.

The first two and a half weeks were near-perfect. I was motivated and energized, excited to be doing so well. I shredded 10 out of the first 15 days of the month. But then things started going down hill. In the last half of March my schedule became a bit more hectic and I only shredded 5 of 15 days. Unfortunately, I lived up to my own expectations and failed to complete the challenge (using the official "rules" or my own), and my results reflect that. The changes I can see from the 30 Day Shred Challenge were minimal. I lost 4 pounds and my measurements barely changed. In fact, I think any changes in my measurements were probably due to differences in where I took the measurements rather than actual changes in size.

I'm disappointed in my performance, but I'm not surprised at the results. I have a tendency to give myself too much flexibility when it comes to goal setting. I think this comes from a desire to avoid failure. If my requirements are lax, then I can't fail to reach my goal. If I don't really care about the results, then it doesn't matter so much when I don't see any. But I want to change this. I want to be able to make a commitment to myself and stick with it. I want to be realistic in my goals, but I want to challenge myself, as well. I want to recognize that so long as I make an effort (a REAL effort), I can be satisfied with whatever results I see in the end.

Despite my limited participation in the challenge, I was able to see some clear indicators that I'm stronger and fitter: both the cardio and strength portions of Levels 1 are much easier than they were on March 1st; I've been able to increase the weight I use during most of the strength exercises from 2 lbs. to 5 lbs.; my muscles are a bit more visible; my waist has a bit more definition. While I didn't shed the pounds and inches I was hoping to, these results encourage me to keep trying, to keep challenging myself.

So with that, I'm starting a new personal challenge for the month of April. I am committing to...

• Shred OR 
• Do some other form of moderate cardio exercise for at least 30 minutes OR
• Practice yoga for at least 45 minutes

...on at least 25 of the next 30 days.

It's going to take planning and purposeful dedication, but I want to prove to myself that I can set a goal and achieve it. I can do this. I'm going to have an active April! Anyone want to join me?

Gettin' My Gruve On

I came home from FitBloggin' with some awesome things, but so far my favorite bit of techie swag has been my Gruve. A tiny little gadget that I clip on my waistband every day, it's like a pedometer only oh-so-much cooler.

The Gruve was developed by Muve, Inc., a company co-founded by Mayo Clinic researcher, Dr. James Levine, M.D., Ph.D. Dr. Levine and his team of researchers demonstrated that our normal daily activity (or lack thereof) can affect our ability lose and maintain weight, and the Gruve was developed to encourage wearers to increase their NEAT (non-exercise activity thermogenesis). Instead of simply measuring steps like a pedometer, the Gruve measures subtle movements like standing and walking, allowing it to track the calories we burn during normal activities. And while they're not necessarily burning hundreds of calories in an hour, over the course of the day, the calories burned by those movements add up.

As you move throughout the day, the Gruve's "halo" changes colors when pressed, going from red (0-24% of your calorie goal), to orange (25-49%), to yellow (50-74%), to blue (75-99%), and finally to green (100%). Unlike a pedometer, you get real-time reinforcement and motivation for burning more calories. And if you're being sedentary for too long, your Gruve gives you a little electric shock (OK, it's really just a short burst of vibrations) to get you moving again. Talk about a reminder to get off your butt!

I've been wearing my Gruve for a full week now and I've totally seen a difference in how I go about my everyday activity. I've stopped circling parking lots for the closest spot and started seeking out those farthest from the door. I don't mind walking the aisles of the grocery store. I'm walking from office to office at work instead of sending emails or picking up the phone. I've taken to making multiple trips up and down the stairs at home, even if it's unnecessary.

Getting to green has become a fun little game I play with myself. How early can I get to yellow today? How many days in a row can I make it to green? What activities can I do inside my house to burn more calories? Is it possible to pace while doing the dishes? What about folding clothes on the move?

The thing that I love most about Gruve is that, as person who loves graphs and charts, I can see my progress throughout the day, not just with the changing halo colors, but also by synching my Gruve online. I just plug the gadget into the computer and log into my Gruve Dashboard to see my calorie burn so far, over a course of the week, during a specific day or even by the hour.

As I start incorporating more NEAT activity into my days, my Green Goal will increase, so that I'll continue to be challenged as I lose weight. When I'm ready to maintain, I can indicate that in my Gruve Dashboard and my Green Goal will adjust accordingly.

As you can see, I'm a total fan of the Gruve. I've been spreading the word about it since day one. It's perfect for anyone who needs a little extra motivation to add more movement throughout their day. And it's especially perfect for those of us who find ourselves sitting at a desk or in front of a computer most of the day. Speaking of which, there's that buzz. Time to climb the stairs a few times and get my Gruve to green!

Getting Fit (Again)

Back in the day, when I first started blogging, I wrote a lot about my weight loss successes (and struggles) and other topics revolving around my weight (hence the name Weight of My World). When I moved to Blogger and Writing: My Life, I decided to move away from "weight loss blogging" and more toward a general life blog where I could write about whatever struck my fancy in the moment.

I still blogged about health and fitness for other websites. Just not so much here. A big part of the reason for this shift was that my weight loss had stalled, and let's face it, no one wants to blog about their weight gain and failure to work out over and over and over again. Instead I focused on my new house, my writing and reading, what I was cooking, anything but my (lack of a) diet and fitness routine.

While I'm still not blogging about it much, I have been making some small, gradual changes that are heading me back in the direction of a healthy life. Which means you may start hearing more about my pursuit of a healthier, happier me. I'm going to try to be more open about my struggles and my successes. I won't overwhelm you with weight loss talk, but I wanted to warn you of what may be ahead.

This was all prompted by the fact that I'll be attending FitBloggin' 10 here in Baltimore in just a couple of weeks. I thought it would be a great place to connect with other people who enjoy writing about health and fitness, and it's in my hometown so I couldn't possibly pass it up. While there, I hope to get some inspiration from others who blog about healthy eating, exercise, and weight loss and to meet some amazing women (and men) who are making positive changes in their lives every day. I can't wait!

I've got my favorite magazines for the gym, and I'm hoping to win a subscription to Clean Eating over at YumYucky. I logged in to my Spark People account and updated my stats so I can track my food and exercise when I need some extra accountability.

On top of that, I'm considering joining the 30 Day Shred Challenge at Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans. (Check out that link and enter to win a copy of the 30 Day Shred video. You can also join in on their Spring Fling Challenge. ***UPDATE: I won!!!! The contest is over.****)

More than anything, I'm looking forward to connecting (or in some cases reconnecting) with people who are traveling this long and winding road with me. It feels better to know that I'm not alone on this journey.

Learning to Feed Myself

There's a lot to be learned during 10 days in a house by yourself. In my case, there was also a lot to be eaten. It turns out that I eat when I'm feeling lonely. I also eat when I'm bored, tired, disappointed and, sometimes, hungry.

During the first twenty-four hours of feeling lonely and sorry for myself because my boyfriend was snowed-in across town, I ate just about everything I could get my hands on. I baked bread, I got the slow cooker working, and then I munched on everything that wasn't nailed down. I also took the opportunity to spend time doing the things I love but don't often have much time for.

About 36 hours into my home-bound weekend, I started to feel a bit more settled in this state of alone-ness and a little less lonely. I was actually enjoying myself. And immediately, my appetite decreased. For the majority of the following five days, I was able to eat when I was hungry, stop when I was satisfied, and avoid serious munch-attacks.

But what changed? Why was I able to turn off the binge and turn on the self-control?

First, I found myself submersed in things I loved: writing, reading, yoga, even shoveling. I wasn't bored. I wasn't mindlessly eating in front of the TV. I spent much of each day "in the zone", present and focused on whatever I was doing. Even the dishes and laundry didn't seem so bad.

Second, I recognized that just because I was physically alone didn't mean I had to be lonely. It wasn't quite the same as having someone in the room with me, but I made phone calls, visited blogs, sent emails and spent time chatting on Facebook and Twitter. I cuddled with my cat. I journaled.

I found the things that fed my spirit, my mind, and my body and I lived off of them. Instead of eating every half hour out of boredom or frustration, I vented my feelings through writing or a quick Tweet and then went about my business doing something I enjoyed. I met my emotional needs, indulged my creativity, exercised in ways that were appealing and ate when I was hungry.

Don't get me wrong, I still did some emotional eating now and then. Every day wasn't binge-free. But thankfully, my learning out-paced my eating and there is still food left in the pantry.

The Numbers Mean Nothing

I stepped on the this morning scale after a few weeks of avoidance. Who wants to weigh herself when she's been in "holiday mode" for two months? I've been eating like crap lately. I have very little self control. I've been craving sweets and carbs like crazy and I don't really seem to care what I put in my mouth. Sure, I still eat my fruits and veggies, but ever since Thanksgiving, my days have been filled with cookies, chocolate, and carbs galore. I'm not binging, not stuffing myself until I can't move, but I'm definitely not making regular healthy choices. I'm not exercising either.

Imagine my surprise when the digital screen on that scale showed me that my weight was...the same. Almost exactly the same as it was the day I left to go home for the holidays almost three weeks ago. I stepped off the scale and slid it back into the closet. And then I had what I like to think was a double-whamy "Aha!" moment.

Could it really be that I don't pack on dozens of pounds when I turn my back on the scale and stop worrying so much about what I put in my mouth? No, I'm not eating as well as, or exercising as much as, I would like but I'm not gaining weight by the minute either.

Then I realized that I weigh exactly what I did three years ago at this time. But how could that be? At that time, I was following Weight Watchers religiously and exercising obsessively. I was one to two sizes smaller (depending on the store and the cut) and much more sleek-looking.

This morning, standing in the shower washing my hair and contemplating the numbers on that scale, I realized just how misleading they really are. I know I'm not supposed to measure my health by the number on that digital read-out. I've heard it all before. But today it really smacked me in the forehead.

It's clear that my body looks better (and I feel better) when I'm eating well and exercising regularly. But how I look and how I feel has nothing to do with the numbers on that scale. Now let's hope I remember this the next time I get it in my head to weight myself and find the numbers aren't all that appealing.

Weight Control Chicken, Anyone?

A couple of weeks ago, I had the pleasure of some spending some time with the girls. Three of us went to The Cheesecake Factory for dinner and, most importantly, dessert. After a long wait, which was expected, we sat at the table browsing the book they call their menu. I love the food at The Cheesecake Factory, but the number of choices is always overwhelming. As I scanned the long lists of appetizers, pasta dishes, pizzas, and entrees, I noticed a dish called Weight Management Grilled Chicken™. I also saw an entire section of Weight Management Salads™. (Yes, they were actually trademarked names with the term Weight Management in them.)

What in the world?!?

First of all, who in their right mind is going to sit down in front of their dinner companions, scan an entire menu of dozens and dozens of delicious descriptions, and then order anything with Weight Management in the name? Really. Imagine sitting across from your new boyfriend and ordering the Weight Management Asian Chicken Salad™. What self-respecting woman would do such a thing?

With names like that, I have a hard time believing that these dishes are very popular, except maybe with the women (and men, I suppose) who want to give the impression that they are on a diet or watching their weight. Frankly, as someone who's done her fair share of dieting, the last thing I'd want to order is a dish with "weight management" in the name. I mean, ordering a dish called Weight Management Grilled Chicken says, "I know I'm a fat cow and I'd like to order the one dish other than a salad that shows you I am trying to do something to rectify the situation."

Using the term "weight management" in the name of a few salads and a single chicken dish is insulting and is obviously targeting people who are insecure with their bodies. Why not Healthy Fare or Light Choices, or something a little less obviously directed toward those of us with weight issues (thin or not)? Were all the good terms for "lower-calorie," "lower-fat" or "healthier" dishes already trademarked? They couldn't come up with anything more creative at the menu brainstorming meetings than Weight Management? For real?

I find it more believable that they were hoping to guilt us fatties (or self-perceived fatties) into choosing the weight management options. What do you think?

Letter to My Body Part Deux

Back in April I was prompted by a post I'd read on BlogHer to write a letter to my body. In the letter, I begged forgiveness and made some commitments, but until a few days ago, I'd completely forgotten about it. The good news is that, for the most part, things with me and my body have been going rather well.

What got me thinking about my letter was an email I received from Capessa, a great new site for women, notifying me that they are sponsoring a Letter to My Body Contest with the blessing of BlogHer and support of True Body Confessions. All you have to do to enter the contest is post a 250-word letter to your body in the comments of the contest post by October 15. The winner will receive a $500 shopping spree from Zappos.com courtesy of Not Your Daughter's Jeans. Who wouldn't love to spoil their body with a little bit of Zappos love? I know I would, so I've decided to write another letter to my body (or rather, from my body to me).

Hello, Beautiful. It was so good to see you smiling this morning in the mirror. I can sense you're feeling more comfortable in our skin and I'm so proud of you.

I want to say thank you for feeding me so well lately. No, I probably didn't need those chicken fingers and French fries last night. And yes, that stomach ache was my way of reminding you that I prefer those vegetables, whole grains and lean meats we've been eating so much of. But for the most part, you've been treating me really well, and I'm grateful.

I love the exercise we've been doing--all of it. I wouldn't even mind it if we did a bit more over the next couple of weeks. The running is invigorating, that new stair machine at the gym was cool, and the yoga makes me feel lean and confident. Thanks for stretching, strengthening and challenging me. Can we try that step aerobics class next?

By the way, I heard you struggling with whether or not to weigh yourself this morning. I say forget about that scale and stop worrying about those numbers--I don't really care about them. Just keep feeding me those good foods and sweating it out a few times a week and we'll be just fine. Besides, didn't you see us this morning in that full-length mirror? We're hot, girl!

Thanks for tuning in to my signals and listening to what I'm trying to tell you. Communication is the key to a great relationship and I think we're finally speaking the same language.

All my love,
Your Body

You've only got a few more days, so get writing. Your body wants to hear from you. And when you're done writing your love letter to the most important person in your life, go enter the contest to try your hand at winning that Zappos shopping spree!