The Baby Train - When Will I Get My Ticket?

Cross-posted on Damsels in Success.

I was at the gym last week and after my workout I went to the locker room to change and shower as usual. In the 30 minutes I was there, three different pregnant women came and went. On my way home that same day, I stopped at the grocery store and saw a pregnant woman in every aisle I traveled down. Is it just me, or are there pregnant women everywhere right now?

OK, so I’m almost positive that pregnant women aren’t turning up with more frequency these days. It does seem that way, though. You see, I’m 32 and I have yet to have a child of my own. My biological clock is ticking faster and louder than ever—so loud that some days I’m certain my boyfriend can hear it, too. But getting on the baby train just isn’t in the cards right this moment and it just chugs on by while I wave and force a smile for friends, acquaintances and complete strangers who’ve climbed aboard.

Of course, the truth of the matter is that if I really wanted to I could buy my ticket for that train anytime; I can have a baby whenever I choose (so long as my body is willing and able). But the reality of the situation is that I want to be married (or at least in a fully committed co-habiting relationship), financially stable and well on my way to a successful writing career before I get on that train. I struggle regularly, going back and forth between my desire to get pregnant immediately no matter what situation I’m in, and the reality of the responsibilities and challenges that motherhood will bring—especially if I’m on my own. Thankfully, my career is moving along well, and things with my boyfriend are serious and seem to be headed toward marriage in the near future. This quells at least some of the anxiety I feel as that baby train passes me by. One day soon, I reassure myself, you’ll be on that train. But what if that wasn’t the case? What if there was no sign of a stable relationship in my future? Or what if, God forbid, I was unable to have children? How would I handle my desire then?

I fear I wouldn’t do well. I’ve wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember and every dream I have for myself includes children as a part of it. Even now, when I know there’s hope for children in my near future, I still find myself glossy-eyed and drenched in envy when I spend time with friends who have children. I see pregnant women and I fanaticize about what my body might look like at five, seven, and nine months. Even pregnant animals on the Discovery Channel fill me with jealousy.

I try to hide my envy, at least around my friends, but I’m certain it peaks through my happy-to-be-childless front sometimes. To quiet the jealousy beast, I remind myself that motherhood isn’t all baby powder and butterfly kisses, and I hold onto the hope that I’ll be a mother one day soon. In the meantime, I try to enjoy my childless life as much as possible and use my time to invest in me, my relationships and my career. After all, as my friends with children often tell me, I’ll wish for these days of freedom when I finally do have kids.

Now where did I put that train schedule?