On the Weather, Politics, and Britney Spears

I was going to write about the weather today; how it's at least 70 degrees out on February 6th in a place where the average high temperature for this time of year is 45 degrees. And how tomorrow's high will be 45 degrees, causing me to wonder if that Inconvenient Truth isn't knocking on my front door.

Then it occurred to me that weather is my fall-back topic, like in conversations that aren't going anywhere with people I barely know. When all else fails, try "How about this weather?" I'd hate to think that I'm so bored with blogging, and my life for that matter, that talking about the weather is what I've resorted to.

So I thought maybe I'd weigh in on the political arena. We all know I love Barack, so I don't need to say that again. I will though, because I really love Barack. Don't get me wrong, Hillary's OK. She just doesn't MOVE me like Barack does, and I think that's what this country really needs right now--someone who can get the populace motivated, who can bring out voters in droves, who can give the people a voice and will listen to what they have to say.

But I decided against the politics talk because this isn't really a political blog, and I tend to shy away from political topics. They're too controversial.

The only other topic that seemed to be on my mind this morning was Britney Spears. And all I have to say about that is, "Please, Paparazzi, please leave her alone." I hope that she's getting the help that she needs, and the people that are in her life, either by genetic relation, by drunken mistake, or by (bad or good) business decisions, don't take advantage of the fact that she is fragile and hurting. I was never a big Britney fan, but now I just want her to be OK. It's a sad day when young stars (and young people in general) fall into a pattern of drug abuse and impulsive or self-destructive behavior in order to cope with the pressures and attention that they're bombarded with. Unfortunately, as long as we who read the magazines and watch the TV shows hoping for that next tidbit of juicy Hollywood gossip or that next picture of a starlet grabbing coffee at the local Starbucks exist, there will always be Paparazzi willing to give us what we're waiting for. And Britneys being stalked so we can have it.

Thing is, I'm really not much of an entertainment writer either. I'm not very good at staying on top of the "now" topics. So I decided I wouldn't write a post today after all.

Maybe next time.

A Weekend of Reading

I did something this weekend that I haven't done in a really long time.

I devoured a book.

It all started Thursday night, when I ran a hot bath with cranberry bubble bath, lit a candle, and went searching my TBR Shelves for a book to read while I soaked. I slid a hardcover volume from its position between The Mermaid Chair by Sue Monk Kidd and Gods in Alabama by Joshilyn Jackson and then I slid into the tub. From the moment I opened the cover and read that first page of Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult, until I read the last word on page 440 this afternoon at 12:35, I didn't want to (couldn't) put it down.

I don't know if it was the story or the writing style or the characters or just the moment in time that I decided to pick up this book, but it had me consumed. I barely wanted to sleep, and I couldn't bring myself to work nearly as many hours as I had planned, because all I could think about was what might happen next. I haven't felt that drawn into a story in a while.

Maybe it was my recent state of being overwhelmed, or maybe it was the dreary, rainy Friday that started off the weekend, but I fell into this book and didn't come out until I'd finished it. I hope I learned a trick or two about telling a story, because Picoult had me begging for more information at each page turn. I hope I absorbed some of her ability to build and reveal characters and their flaws. I hope I can one day write a story that sucks someone in so completely as this story did me. A whole weekend passed me by while I lived the lives of characters in a book.

Yummy Discoveries

In my attempts to get back on the healthy track and stick to my New Year's Goals, I've recently discovered a couple of foods that I've become instantly addicted to. The good news is they're actually "good for me," despite the numbers of calories and fat grams in them that might normally have me running to the hills.

LÄRABARs make a great snack after a workout, or a quick breakfast, and they're even sweet enough to be a night-time treat. From their website:

"LÄRABAR is a delicious blend of unsweetened fruits, nuts and spices - energy in its purest form. Made from 100% whole food, each flavor contains no more than six ingredients. Pure and simple, just as nature intended."

For me, a LÄRABAR is satisfying enough that, I don't have more cravings when they're gone, unlike when I have a bowl of ice cream, a candy bar, or even a granola bar, that tends to leave me wanting more as soon as I'm finished. I'm wondering if it's the fact that there are no added sugars, only the sweetness that Mother Nature added to the fruit herself. I'm sure the healthy fat content (from 8 to 14 grams depending on the flavor) also adds to the satisfying nature of these bars.

They range from 180 to 220 calories, in a spectrum of flavors (check out their colorful wrappers) like Chocolate Coconut, Banana Cookie, Cinnamon Roll and Lemon Bar. I haven't tried one I don't like yet: Apple Pie, Ginger Snap, Banana Cookie, Pecan Pie, not a bad one in the bunch. I even found a selection of chocolate choices at Whole Foods, for when I really need that chocolate fix, but they don't seem to be on the website yet. The drawback is that they're expensive (I've found them for between $1.39 and $1.99 each). As an occasional treat, I suppose that's fine, but you won't find me eating these everyday, although I'd like to.

Ezekiel 4:9 Cinnamon Raisin Bread has been another of my food pleasures over the last two weeks. You wouldn't think so, though, considering that it's flourless, organic, high in protein, and made from sprouted whole grains.

"Ezekiel 4:9® Bread, made from freshly sprouted organically grown grains, is naturally flavorful and bursting with nutrients. Rich in protein, vitamins, minerals and natural fiber with no added fat."

Unless you're a committed natural-foods eater, it doesn't exactly sound like something you'd grab off the shelf and hurry home to eat, now does it? I wasn't sure how I was going to like it, considering that I'm used to eating reduced-calorie whole wheat bread, which is soft and squishy, and well, low in calories. One slice of Ezekiel 4:9 Cinnamon Raisin Bread has 80 calories, for which I could have two slices of my usual low-cal wheat bread. Plus, E4:9 isn't exactly soft, and because it's made from sprouted grain, you have to keep it in the refrigerator if you want it to stay fresh for more than a couple of days. Cold, hard bread is not my idea of tasty. But I figured I'd give it a try, since several people had recommended it to me and I'd heard it was better for me than regular whole wheat bread.

So with a bit of hesitation, but strong resolve, I came home from Trader Joe's with my hard loaf of E4:9 and proceeded to stick one slice in the toaster for a minute, until it was warm and slightly crisp on the edges, but not completely crunchy. The smell of cinnamon and raisins, with a hint of nuttiness, had me wondering if I might have been too hard on this bread. I spread a dab of peanut butter on its surface and bit in. That was all it took. A little heat and some peanut butter and I've officially become an Ezekiel 4:9 convert. The best thing about this bread, like the LÄRABARs, is that one slice is just enough. With the reduced calorie breads, despite the high-fiber content of the variety I generally brought home, I would find myself eating two and three slices and still wanting more. Not so with E4:9. I can eat and enjoy one wonderful slice and that's the end of it. It's become my favorite after-dinner snack.

Have you tried any new foods lately? How did they rate? I'm always interested in broadening my eating horizons, so leave a comment and let me know.

Staring Down the To Dos

I've been on a bit of an unexpected blog-cation (as Meg Cabot would call it). I'm going through a phase, I think, where everything seems a bit too much like work. Clean dishes? Of course that's too much work. Cooking a healthy dinner? If it takes more than 30 minutes to prep and heat, waaay too much work. Walking on the treadmill and breaking a sweat? Even at 2 MPH, too much work. Typing a coherent and interesting blog post? Yup, too much work. Even getting a good night's sleep seems like too much work these days.

I don't know what my problem is, but I can feel myself gradually coming out of it. Obviously. I'm here, aren't I? This may not be a coherent or interesting post, but at least I'm typing. I'll work on coherent and interesting later. (There's that dirty little four-letter word again.)

I guess it's probably the feeling of being overwhelmed that has me practically incapacitated. I get this way when things are coming at me from all directions. I'm trying to get myself back on track with healthier eating and an increase in exercise at the same time that I'm flooded with freelance opportunities, at the same time that I started a little experiment that I plan to write an article about, at the same time that I'm refinancing my house, at the same time that I was traveling to Minneapolis, at the same time that I'm dealing with some family stress and drama, at the same time that I'm giving up caffeine (of all things!)... The list goes on and on, and just typing that all out made my heart race and my stomach tighten. It's really been a hectic few months. Thankfully most of the activity has been positive, but that doesn't stop me from feeling like curling into a ball in the corner and waiting for it to all go away.

The good news is, I can see the light and I'm learning to tackle things in pieces rather than staring down an ever-growing pile of To Dos. Turns out it's easier that way. The big pile actually gets smaller, one check mark at a time, go figure.

Free Cereal

A while back I wrote a little something about a Web site I'd been turned on to: Eat Better America. The site is doing a Resolution Revolution right now, promoting the big effects that little changes can have on your lifestyle. If you're looking for something to keep you motivated to stick to your resolutions a little longer, check it out. And while you're at it, why not sign up for their newsletter and get a free sample of Fiber One Cereal. I know Fiber One doesn't sound all that exciting. It's not Cocoa Puffs or Frosted Flakes, after all. But it's not as bland and boring as the name might suggest. I use Fiber One for a lot of different things:

• Crush it and use it to bread chicken tenders
• Mix it with low-fat yogurt for a quick, crunchy breakfast
• Make Krispymallow Treats

If none of those suggestions sound palate pleasing, then try any of Eat Better America's Fiber One recipe suggestions. We could all use a little more fiber in our diets! Plus, the newsletter is filled with recipes and great tips on living a healthier lifestyle. When the motivation to stick to a healthy diet wanes in February, this just might be the help you need to stay on track for you New Year's goals. Give it a try, you just might like it!

New Things in a New Year

So it's the middle of January already - seriously, did somebody wind the Universal clock too tight or what? I'm doing my best to be present each day, to stop looking forward so much and focus on what is right in front of me, but that doesn't seem to be helping time slow down any.

2008 is starting off in an incredible way - particularly in my writing career. By the 11th, I had lined up a new freelance client. With any luck, I'll see plenty of future business from this contact. I'll be doing some participatory research this month for a health-related article I'm planning to write. My non-fiction critique group reviewed my third personal essay last week, and I really think I'm getting somewhere with this series. And I've got some crazy ideas rolling around in my brain about what direction to take this blog in...we'll see where that goes.

On a personal note, my birthday may not have been a blast, but I'm looking forward to my trip to Minneapolis this week. Lots of great things planned, and it's always fun to be with Tasha. Girl talk, shopping, nights out on the town - whatever we do we always have a good time.

A new year, a birthday, and interesting career opportunities. And American Idol starts this week! I've always liked January.

And speaking of new things, check out Bleeding Espresso's new site. She's very proud of it, as she should be. Stop by and say hello!

Just Another Day

Saturday was my 32nd birthday.

I ran errands. I mailed my sister's birthday card. I filled a prescription. I treated myself to an Asiago cheese bagel with Sun-Dried Tomato cream cheese at Panera Bread. I went to the bank to deposit a check. I stopped at Bed, Bath & Beyond to buy a sweater de-fuzzer. I watched I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.

Is this what birthdays are going to be like now that I've entered my 30s? I promised myself this wouldn't happen, and yet there it was: my birthday, just like any other Saturday.

I did get plenty of birthday phone calls, including two singing messages (thanks Mandi and Tasha), and there were gifts, too, not to mention gift cards and birthday money. And My Love and I had dinner together (mmmm...sushi) and shared cake and ice cream. Still, I couldn't get past the plainness of it.

I'm feeling better about it today, but I moped around a bit yesterday. I always have such high birthday expectations, and they're very rarely lived up to. This is why expectations suck.

Thankfully, I have a birthday trip coming up in a week and a half, for which I have very high expectations. (Does anyone else see a logic problem here?) This trip must make up for the dullness of my actual birthday, as I'm sure it will. I'll be traveling to Minneapolis and enjoying several days with my dear friend (who will be celebrating her birthday while I'm there). Two birthday celebrations in one weekend. How could it possibly be anything but spectacular?

Here's to Happy Birthdays and living a year of purpose and passion! One dull birthday will not keep me down!

New Year's Thursday Thirteen

Killing two birds with one stone—Thursday Thirteen and my New Year goals.

Thirteen Things to I'd Like to Accomplish in 2008

1. Travel someplace I've never been before.

2. Finish the first draft of my novel and start the editing and revising process.

3. Send my three completed essays to five mainstream magazines.

4. Write two more essays through to a final draft and send them out, too.

5. Start and finish my first ghostwriting project.

6. Take my vitamins and floss my teeth everyday.

7. Be kinder to my body, mind and spirit.

8. (Re)build habits that will improve my health and well being: (a) pay attention to hunger signals and eat only when I'm hungry; (b) exercise 30-45 minutes 4 to 6 times a week.

9. Send birthday cards on time.

10. Send at least one hand-written letter or card a month.

11. Spend more time with girlfriends.

12. Read at least thirteen hold-in-my-hand books. (Books on CD don't count.)

13. Get more involved in my community.

There are so many other things I could have listed, but I like to keep my yearly goals realistic and attainable. If I accomplish just half of these, I'll be happy. And I'm sure other opportunities and goals will crop up during the year. They always do.

Year-End Meme

I'm a little behind on the whole year-end review and New Year goals, I know. Honestly, it snuck up on me a bit. It seems like the end of 2007 passed me by in a tornado of happenings. Thankfully, I'm feeling like all of that end-of-the-year busy-ness will pay off in the New Year and beyond. As for the "2007 In Review" portion of the required New Year contemplation, this meme that I got from sognatrice over at bleeding espresso should take care of it. I'll be back soon to update you on the whittled down list of goals and objectives for 2008. It's gonna be a big one!

1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?

Bought a house; joined in on NaNoWriMo and wrote almost 39,000 words for a single story; got into a serious car accident

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

After reviewing my blog and any other places I might have stuck a list for 2007, it appears that no official goals or resolutions were made. I do remember goals to do more writing (check) and submitting (no check), maintain my weight and get back into an exercise routine (no check on either count), completing the first draft of my novel (partial check) and network more to increase freelance opportunities (check).

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

One of my close friends had a baby boy (her third child) and so did my sister's best friend (also a boy and also her third).

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Thankfully, no.

5. What countries did you visit?

*cricket*

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?

More focus on the things that I'm passionate about.

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

January 17th - the day I signed the papers and became a new home owner

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

38,918 words

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not completing that first draft

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Minor injuries from the accident and minor colds

11. What was the best thing you bought?

My house

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

All those working passionately to make this world a better place

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

I try not to let other people's behaviors influence me, but if I'm honest, Mr. President hasn't been on my Nice List for a long time.

14. Where did most of your money go?

The house, yet again.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Writing that book!

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?

Umbrella by Rhianna...If they played it once, they played it a million times.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

(a) I'd say the same; happy and hopeful; (b) Unfortunately, not thinner, not even the same size; (c) Richer, thanks to some job shuffling.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Writing, exercising, spending time with My Love and my family, making friends

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Watching television, procrastinating

20. How did you spend Christmas?

With most of my family in my hometown

21. Did you fall in love in 2007?

I stayed in love, does that count?

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Lost

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

My mama taught me to never hate.

24. What was the best book you read?

Grace Eventually by Anne Lammott (followed closely by Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows if I can count books on CD).

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

I didn't really venture out musically this year.

26. What did you want and get?

My house, a new car (although this wasn't planned or expected), a game night, a promotion/raise

27. What did you want and not get?

An engagement ring, a size 8 body and three more inches in height, a book deal/agent/publisher (although this is clearly my own fault)

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

I can barely remember all the movies I've seen. I remember thinking many of them were very good, but none of them are standing out right at this moment.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Had dinner with a couple I know. I turned 31 (and will be 32 on Saturday!)

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

I think my year was pretty satisfying, but I think I would be more satisfied if I had done better at keeping my health (eating and exercise) a top priority and if I had finished that book.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?

Uh, I'm not even sure I could call it a concept...professional but relatively casual???

32. What kept you sane?

Having loving people and animals around me to bring me back from the ledge.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Wentworth Miller and Shamar Moore

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

Environmental preservation and ending the war.

35. Who did you miss?

Tasha, Mandi and my mom

36. Who was the best new person you met?

The people in my writing group

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.

Happiness, success and accomplishment aren't things that just happen. It's my responsibility to make sure that I get what I want and need.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

I'm bringing sexy back?

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas, everyone! Hope your holiday is filled with family, fun and fabulous food!

With all my love,
smtwngrl

Going Home

It's that time again, for the long drive and the snow and the family and the holiday gorging...OK, hopefully not the gorging but definitely the rest of the stuff. I'm heading home to spend Christmas with my family. I'm happy that I'll have the week off from work (although I've used all of the paid time off I've accrued and then some) and I'm excited to spend some time with my family. At the same time...

I'm very excited to be going home for the holidays, really, I am. No, no, really. It's a tradition I love and I don't know how I'll handle it when I have my own family to spend the holidays with and can't make the trip every year. But honestly, I wish my family could be transplanted to some place closer to me. And/or someplace warm, like the tropics. Or even North Carolina. I mean, people, they get FEET of snow up there. And it's COLD. I'm not talking 40 degrees cold. Or even 30 degrees cold. It gets BELOW ZERO up there. It gets so-cold-my-ears-are-going-to-fall-off-and-my-snot-is-frozen-solid cold.

Anyway, enough complaining. It will be nice to have a white Christmas, because we don't really get those down here. So I'm headed home today to spend time with my family and enjoy the holiday festivities. Then I'll be back for a weekend of gift exchange and football with My Love before heading back to work on New Year's Eve. (Just out of curiosity, whose idea was it to make Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve work days? I mean, I know the Prez declared Christmas Eve a government holiday this year, but normally, I have to work on those days. Just like the day after Thanksgiving...what's up with that??? I'm sure I'm not alone, but I still find it totally irritating. And retail workers, I really feel for you...who wants to work on Christmas Day or New Year's Day?)

If you don't hear from me for a few days, don't worry. I've probably gotten lost in my nephew's pile of toys, or I'm eating sausage bread until I'm so bloated I can't move, or I've cookie-eaten myself into a carb coma. Just know that I'm thinking of you all and sending you wonderful holiday wishes!

Happy Holidays!

TBR Challenge 2008

I've come up with my official list for the 2008 TBR Challenge. I've scoured my bookshelves (and my library list) for the 12 lucky titles that will make my challenge list, and without further ado, here they are, in no particular order:

1. Girl Meets God by Laura Winner Finished 1/16/08


2. Citizen Girl by Emma McLaughlin & Nicola Kraus Finished 4/12/08


3. Reading Like a Writer by Francine Prose Finished 12/21/08


4. I Know This Much Is True by Wally Lamb


5. The Mermaid Chair by Sue Monk Kidd


6. Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult Finished 2/3/08


7. Gods in Alabama by Joshilyn Jackson Finished 8/31/08


8. A Hand to Guide Me by Denzel Washington


9. Hotel of Saints by Usula Hegi Finished 8/18/08


10. Writing Your Life by Lou Willett Stanek


11. We Are All Welcome Here by Elizabeth Berg Finished 3/14/08


12. Hollywood Worldviews by Brian Godawa

You might recognize some of these from last year's group. Since I didn't get to all 22 from last year, I figured I'd list them again. I'm going to have to read them all eventually! And just in case any of the first group turn out to be unbearable, or I'm just not in the mood for them, I've also selected 12 alternates (again, some of them from last year's list).

Alternates:

1. The Ha-Ha by David King


2. Writing Articles from the Heart by Marjorie Holmes


3. Writing Life Stories by Bill Roorbach


4. Tender Bar by J.R. Moehringer


5. Plain Truth by Jodi Picoult


6. I'm Not the New Me by Wendy McClure


7. To Own a Dragon by Donald Miller


8. Operating Instructions by Anne Lamott


9. A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini


10. Nourishing Wisdom by Marc David


11. God's Politics by Jim Wallis


12. The Golden Compass by Philip Pullman

Again, if you want to join the challenge, visit the official challenge site and sign up. The more the merrier, and just think of how much room you'll be able to make on your shelves for more wonderful stories!

A New Book Challenge

Over the last few years, I've found myself reading less and less because there were always so many other things on my To Do list. Then, about a year ago, I committed myself to a challenge I never thought I'd finish. I signed up to read twelve books in twelve months! I thought that I just might be crazy, given my busy schedule. But joining the 2007 TBR Challenge gave me just the excuse I needed to spend more time with my nose in books.

My book shelves aren't any barer because I keep buying more books, but I read more this past year than I've read in quite a while, and was able to make 12 checks on my long list of "I really want to read that" books. That's probably double the number of books I read in 2006. I also really enjoyed every single one of my TBR picks, which I didn't expect. Especially since many of the books sitting on my shelf stay unread for so long because once they're purchase I forgot why I picked them up in the first place or can't seem to get myself "in the mood" for them.

Twelve months later, I'm half a book short of completing the 2007 TBR Challenge (I'm sure I'll finish by 12/31), and I couldn't be more excited for 2008! Because the TBR Challenge really motivated me to read more this year, I've decided I'll be joining in on the 2008 challenge, too. If you're interested in being part of the challenge group, check out the official challenge site and sign up. Why not make the TBR Challenge 2008 one of your resolutions (or goals if you're like me and don't make resolutions) for the coming year?

I'll be posting my official TBR 2008 list soon, so stay tuned. If you decide to join, let me know—I'd love to see your lists, too. I'm always looking for new books to add to the ever-growing TBR pile.

The Geek in Me

This post was originally published on February 16, 2006 at Weight of My World.

I had a few free hours yesterday, so after eating breakfast, checking my email and my favorite blogs, showering and feeding the cat, I grabbed my purse and headed out the door. Excitement rose in my chest as I started my car and put her into gear and headed out on the path of least resistance toward one of my favorite places--the library.

Yes, I said the library. The rows of shelves filled to the brim with stories. The sound of pages flipping gently. The quiet throat clearing and soft whispers. The silent thoughts of paper-writing students that purr in the air if you listen close enough. The smiles of the librarians, welcoming you to the one place they feel most comfortable. I love it all. And it strikes me that the only difference between myself and the librarian--that creature I once mocked and thought of as socially inadequate--is that she is assigned her time at the library and I get to choose the hours that I spend there.

I can easily spend a entire afternoon scanning the aisles of fiction and non-fiction, browsing the magazines and searching the online catalog for the newest releases. It's a sickness, this need to be around printed material. I desire words as much my body desires food.

It all started when I was a toddler and my mother read to me every time she had a chance. It grew into bedtime stories everynight before the lights went out. When I learned to read on my own, I started reading to my little sister. I read her books and then I'd read mine. I'd read out loud until I couldn't keep her attention any more and she'd move on to other toys and toddler activities. And then I'd curl up, in a chair or a corner or my bed, and I'd read silently to myself. I'd devour the stories of others, submerge myself in far away lands, live adventures through characters braver than I was, and when the story was over and the ending tied up in a perfect bow, I would mourn the loss of a new friend and long for more of his life.

My favorite bike rides ended at the town library that was housed in the Presbyterian church on the corner of Main Street. It was small and the selection was limited but it was enough for me. I read my way through the children's section and straight into the young adults aisles before I was old enough to really understand the subject matter. But my voracity for words had improved my reading skills far beyond the books that targeted my age group.

The book store became my second favorite place to be. I started visiting them with regularity, anticipating new releases, and buying them up with my allowance, developing a library of my own to supplement my limited choices at my local hangout.

This hunger for literature has never waned. In fact, at times it cripples me. I spend my entire day at work waiting for the moment I can get home, brew some tea and curl up with that book I couldn't bring myself to put down late the night before. I read away entire weekends, until it's Monday morning again and I don't know where my Saturday and Sunday have gone. But I love every moment of the escape that reading provides me. I love living vicariously through the characters, touching their lives briefly, and then returning to my own. I love learning from their mistakes and successes. I love talking about them with others and gaining new perspective from an intelligent discussion.

Does all of this make me a geek, a nerd to the nth degree? Probably. But ask me if I care.

The Weight Thing

When I moved over to Blogger, I planned to focus more on my writing and less on my weight. I guess I knew that my weight would be a subject I'd eventually broach, but I didn't want it to be a focus for my blog anymore. So I haven't talked about the weight thing much since I moved over here, despite the fact that it's often on my mind. Those of you who read me over at Spaces can attest to this. In fact, my initial goal in blogging was to track and discuss my weight loss journey. Unfortunately, this journey hasn't always been successful as far as the numbers on the scale are concerned. About a year ago (on December 9, 2006 to be exact), I decided to take a new approach to my health and I posted the following over at Weight of My World:

I've started a little experiment, and while it's not going all that great at the moment, I have a feeling it's going to be the most successful weight management and healthy lifestyle tool that I've ever used. The goal is not to diet. I know that may sound like a cop-out, and it's even a bit scary from where I'm standing, but it's beginning to make more and more sense.

I've been counting calories or Weight Watchers Points for so long I can barely eat anything without mentally calculating something in my head. I exercise not for the health benefits, the energy and the mood elevation, but for the calories it burns. I eat foods based on their calorie/points count instead of their nutritional value. And while I know this is all wrong thinking, it seems to be the only way I know how to go about losing weight. Then one day recently, I looked at my calorie calculator and had 300 calories available in my daily calorie range (1300-1600 calories). Instead of considering that I wasn't really hungry and therefore didn't need to use these calories, I immediately started thinking about what I could and couldn't do with them. After munching my way through the 300 and then some, I realized what I was doing. I wasn't eating because I was hungry, but rather because I had calories available to use. It was a wasted purchase, like buying a formal dress, not because I had an event to attend, but because I had the cash in my pocket.

I started wondering why I eat and exercise. I went over certain situations in my mind and it occurred to me (not for the first time) that I often eat when I'm not hungry. In fact, just last night, I continued to eat despite palpable stomach discomfort. So what's the deal? And how can I change this pattern? I also started thinking about what it would be like to have children and what kind of an example I would be. Would I teach them healthy habits naturally, or would I teach them to look at food as the enemy and exercise as a chore? Honestly, I don't know the answer to any of these questions yet. But I do know that even if counting every calorie I put in my mouth and writing down every food that I choose to eat causes me to lose weight in the short term, it's not a weight loss that I'm ever going to be able to maintain over the long term. If I don't first discover what is causing these binges and how I can disrupt them (and maybe even avoid them), then I'll always be bound by them. And I certainly won't be able to teach my children to have a healthy mindset about food and exercise. The last thing I want is to transfer my own obsessions and false ideas to others.

So my plan is simple. No more dieting. Instead, my focus is on getting in touch with myself. I need to understand why I am eating in every situation. I need to develop skills to decrease my tendency to eat everything but the kitchen sink. I need to figure out what it is that allows me to be satisfied with a single bowl of cereal some mornings, and what causes me to crave four or five bowls, and to give in to that craving, on other days. While the plan seems simple, none of this is going to be easy. And it's clear to me from last night's fiasco that I may lose sight of my goals and fall into old habits while I'm learning. But I think that this way may be the best way for me to learn what I need to know in order to accomplish my ultimate goal of living a healthy life, instead of just becoming successful at a lifetime of dieting.

After a year of trying not to diet, and getting out of the habit of exercising, I've put on many of the pounds I had lost. I tend to reevaluate my goals around this time every year, and rereading this post gave me pause. Turns out, I'm still dealing with the same issues. I've learned a lot about my eating habits and have a better understanding of who I am, but change is hard. My behaviors haven't really changed. That is the bottom line. I've decided to keep trying, though. I haven't failed unless I give up, right? And I know that not dieting, that learning to eat based on my body's needs and not on my emotional state or the number of calories I've allowed myself for the day, may be one of the most important things I'll learn in my lifetime.

So I'm tracking what I eat and counting calories again, but I'm trying to do it while focusing on hunger rather than numbers. The goal is not so much the number of calories I consume, as the understanding of how food affects my body and what foods provide me with the nutrition I require. I don't plan to always do this, but I needed a refresher on what and how much I should be eating to fuel my body.

I've also rejoined the gym and am working to regain the muscular and cardiovascular fitness I was so proud of a year ago. I'm not dieting, but I am trying to reprogram my brain and my body to eat and exercise differently. I'm working with a friend who's a dietitian, and when I joined the gym again, I got three free sessions with a trainer. I plan to use these tools to the best of my ability.

Most importantly, I am trying to change how I think about food, exercise and my body. Negative thoughts are not allowed. Bad foods do not exist. Overeating at one meal does not mean all is lost--not for the day, and definitely not for the week or month. Every moment is a moment to make a healthy choice. I can chose to eat well for my body and mind, to love myself no matter what the scale says or what the media tells me I should look like. This time, I'm not rewarding myself for pounds lost or calories eaten. I'm rewarding myself for consistency: regular exercise sessions get me iTunes downloads; each day I track what I eat gets me a dollar toward a manicure and pedicure.

All of this may seem obvious to you. It may seem like a small step or a basic understanding, it may seem like more empty commitments. Believe me, sometimes I see it the same way. This is a struggle I have dealt with since I was very young. But I've come to realize (again?) that moving forward, one day at a time, is all I can do. Today, I choose happiness and health. Tomorrow I hope to do the same.

Review: Eat, Pray, Love

I've been meaning to transfer some of my better posts from my Spaces blog to this one, and since Eat, Pray, Love was recently featured on Oprah and seems to be the talk of the town, I figured I'd start the transfer with this one.

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This review was originally posted on August 25, 2006 at Weight of My World.

I know I promised a full review when I finished this book, which I actually did more than a week ago, but I’ve been allowing it to marinate in my mind and heart for a while, and I decided a typical book review won’t do it justice.

Elizabeth Gilbert opened herself up to what the world (and God) had to offer her, and it’s because of that openness that I can honestly say I learned something about myself through her journey. I may not have been able to travel with her physically, but I found myself taking a trip of my own as I flipped the pages and wandered through the chapters of her life. So, instead of doing a typical review, where I tell you how great this book was (and it was great) or talk about its themes and literary value, I want to tell you what I learned:

1. I want to travel and experience other cultures and places, not as a tourist does, but as a native does. I want to live here and there, for months at a time, and learn the daily routines and rituals of those who have walked the streets long before I arrived and will continue to do so long after I’m gone.
2. Sometimes we’ll experience pain and loss so great that we’ll believe we can’t go on. But somewhere in the midst of it all, something will push us forward, and when we start to move, amazing, miraculous things will happen for us. It will take time and it will take work, but healing and life will begin to flow in our veins again if we follow that gentle prodding.
3. It’s ok to experience pleasure. In fact, it’s negligent and abusive not to provide yourself with a little tender-loving-care every now and then. “You were given life; it is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight.”
4. Learning to be free is hard work. It’s tough for some people to discover their own freedom to experience life, to laugh, to dream, to succeed, to discover, to travel, to just be.
5. Yoga is about union. It’s about connecting—connecting your mind with your body, your spirit with your God, your energy with that of your neighbor’s or your community’s. As a Christian, I used to believe that practicing Yoga would draw me away from God. I now realize that Yoga isn’t a religion meant to replace my current belief system. Instead, I learned that it’s the practice of uniting yourself with the world around you, be that spiritual, physical, emotional or otherwise. I can use Yoga to connect with whomever or whatever I choose—Jesus, Buddha, or the ground under my feet.
6. I’ve already written too much, so I won’t get into the specifics, but I learned a lot about faith and devotion. I learned about prayer and peace, diligence and restfulness, confidence and humility, love and living. I learned that we each have “the right to not stop seeking until we get as close to the source of wonder as possible.”

I didn’t start reading this book with the expectation of having some sort of religious experience or spiritual awakening. I bought it because the idea of traveling for a year caught my attention, and the quality and style of the writing held it. I was pleasantly surprised to find that a lot of the struggles I’m going through, Elizabeth Gilbert has been through, too. Our situations may not have been the same, but as I read, I was reminded that there is a cord of humanity that binds each and every one of us together. Knowing that there are others who question and struggle and dig their way out of the holes they’ve buried themselves in gives me at least a little comfort when I find myself pulling out my own handy-dandy shovel, yet again.

So, if you’ve ever been through a tough divorce, experienced a major loss, or found yourself in the midst of a spiritual crisis, I’d suggest you check out this book. I believe that there's something for everyone in its pages. It’s full of fantastic images (some unique and some clichéd) and raw emotion, experiences of the senses and of the heart and soul. I won’t say that everyone will enjoy every part of it, but I think you just might find a nugget of wisdom, a guiding word, or a gently written nudge at the exact moment you need it. I know I did.

Playing the Game

It's been a while since I've used a Sunday Scribblings prompt, but I couldn't pass up this week's word. You'll understand why when you read my scribblings below.

Prompt #88: Competition

Competition. It's a word that inspires me. I get sweaty with excitement when I hear it. My heart pounds at the thought of it and my skin tingles with anticipation. Ask anyone who knows me even a little bit, and you'll learn that I'm a competition whore.

Have you ever seen the episode of Friends where the group is in Barbados (aptly named "The One in Barbados, Part 2") and Monica and Mike play ping pong? If so, you get the idea. If not, let's just say things get a little "hairy" and the competition gets a bit out of control. I'm not nearly as aggressive in competition as Monica is, but I REALLY don't like to lose.

Even in situations where I'm supposed to be playing "just for fun" I'm really competing with you. (Yes, girls, even at game night. I hope it wasn't obvious, because I did try to let it go a bit.) No matter how hard I try to keep my competitive urges under wraps, they usually show through. "Just for fun" is something I can't seem to grasp. I take every opportunity to win very seriously. We must play by the rules, and if we're not officially keeping score--with paper and pen--trust me, I've got the numbers in my head. I may not be writing it down, but I'm tallying in my head.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a name caller or a back biter. I do, however, find competition, in almost every shape and form, exhilarating. Tell me I can't do something, that I won't win or that you're going to do it better, and I bring out the big guns. In most cases, I'd like to believe that my competitive qualities make me more productive and help me to push past my mental limits.

There have been moments, however, that my competitive nature has done me wrong. For instance, My Love and I used to shoot pool on occasion when we first started dating. All would go well for a while. We'd laugh and joke and have fun. But then, as I lost game after game and ran out of excuses as to why I was shooting so poorly, I got grumpy and stopped having fun. He quickly learned that if he wanted to keep me in a good mood, he'd stop playing pool (or any other game) with me. This makes me sad, because I remember those dates as fun, even if we did have to leave and go get pizza before I got too pissy. Now we go to the movies. There's no competition over popcorn or Mike and Ike's.

I wonder sometimes what made me this way. Was it something I learned at home? Or at school? For as long as I can remember I've loved to win. But why? Who told me it was better to win? When did I decide that I was worth something only if I could get the best hand? The A? The Valedictorian Award? The better paying job? Yes, competition has helped me reach my goals. But were my goals mine to begin with, or did they become mine because they once belonged to someone I was competing with?

However I became this way, however I grew into the competitor that I am, know this: I want to have fun. I really, really do. But I want to win, too. So if you find yourself in a situation where I might be competing with you, make me relax. Take away the score board. Make jokes. Refuse to play by the rules. I may not like it at first, but eventually I'll let the competition go. I'll enjoy myself and have some fun. The only thing I ask is please, puh-lease, don't let me win. That's a mortal sin in this competitor's book.

Winter Wonderland

I just got home from a dentist appointment and errands. Simple, everyday experiences. But I had one of those moments on my way home where I was suddenly in complete awe of the beauty around me.

It was dark, and the street lights shone bright against the night. Snow flakes drifted down from heaven, clinging to one another and landing - Splat! - against my windshield. Something about the way they floated on the breeze in tiny clumps like dandelion fluffs made my heart skip a beat. I turned off the book I was listening to and sat up in the driver's seat, more alert.

It was breathtaking: the way the millions of flakes filled the air; the way they formed stripes on bare tree branches; the way they held tight to evergreen bushes lining sidewalks. For a few minutes, I was driving through a winter wonderland. It felt like the world had stopped and this snowfall, a minor storm so many people were probably cussing and fussing about, was sent down just for me. The flakes were falling to the ground so that today I could be driving down a street I don't normally drive and experience this beauty of nature.

A Little Inspiration

Laura, an amazing 10-year-old girl, has started a project to make a difference in her world. This girl is a leader and an inspiration. On the first of December, inspired by the memory of her grandfather, Laura began Twenty Five Days to Make a Difference. I stumbled on Laura's mission through Jen Lemen and thought it was a really sweet idea. I considered committing to joining Laura in her daily pursuit of making a difference, but honestly, I was afraid I'd fail. And publicly no less, because if I did it, I'd of course be forced to blog about it.

You see, it turns out I'm a relatively self-centered person. I didn't actually realize this until I was presented with the possibility of purposefully doing something for others. Every. Day. I couldn't imagine it. It seemed like such an inconvenience.

Then I read about Laura's grandfather, and about why she had chosen to pursue this idea. I read about what she'd done to make a difference in just a few days, and I realized that this 10-year-old was so much more selfless and open and giving than I. It took a child's innocence to open my eyes to my own selfishness. So, with great trepidation, I decided I'd commit. Thankfully, Laura says I don't have to be perfect in my pursuit of making a difference. Instead, I've decided to commit to step up and make a difference when I can.

With Laura's list of suggestions and my own conscious effort to do something good for others and my world this month, I'll be looking for opportunities to make a difference in December. I may or may not blog about it (after my month-long NaNo saga, I'm a little tired of series posts). But seeing Laura's site and reading about all that she's done in just a few days to help others has really inspired me to look outside myself a bit more this month.

Check out what Laura's doing. Her actions might just inspire you to give a little more of yourself during this season of giving, too.

Bits and Pieces

Now that the dullness of NaNo updates is over, I thought I'd do something just for fun. I ran into this meme at inchoate.

do you own a gun?

no sirree

what do you think of hot dogs?

In the right mood, a good all-beef hot dog is the best thing ever. Usually, I think what I really like is the bun, relish, mustard and ketchup, though. So generally, I stick to the veggie dogs smothered.

what do you prefer to drink in the morning?

Water on my way into the office; coffee when I get there.

can you do push-ups?

a few, more if I do them on my knees

what’s your favorite piece of jewelery?

the ring My Love gave me for my 30th birthday

what is your secret weapon to lure the opposite sex?

now if I told you it wouldn't be a secret anymore

middle name?

Sue

name 3 thoughts at this exact moment:

1. I should be working.

2. I can't think of anymore thoughts.

3. I have to remember to stop at the post office on the way home.

name 3 drinks you regularly drink:

1. Diet Dr. Pepper

2. Water

3. Coffee

what time did you wake up today?

4:20AM, 4:35AM, and 4:55AM (alarm went off at 5:15)

current hate?

I hate hate (yes, I understand this is a contradiction, but it's how I feel) and all the bad stuff that happens because of it.

favorite place to be?

in the presence of friends and family

least favorite place to be?

a waiting room

where would you like to go?

everywhere, but top on my list are Australia, China and the Grand Canyon

do you own slippers?

no, my last pair fell apart from wear and tear

what shirt are you wearing?

a steel blue sweater from Gap

do you burn or tan?

burn

favorite color(s)?

brown and red

would you be a pirate?

I'd like to think I'd make a good pirate, but if I'm honest, I have too say no--too much raping and pillaging and mopping the deck for me.

what is your favorite holiday?

my birthday (What? That's not a holiday?)

what songs do you sing in the shower?

not a shower singer

what did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?

ghosts and spirits

what’s in your pockets right now?

lint

last thing that made you laugh?

a short story in a Food Stories collection I'm listening to during my commute

best bed sheets as a child?

Rainbow Bright -- I had the curtains, too!

worst injury you’ve ever had?

I don't remember it, but I broke my collar bone when I was a toddler.

are your parents still together?

no

do you wish on shooting stars?

every time

what is your favorite book(s)?

Travelling Mercies by Anne Lamott

what is your favourite candy?

Twizzlers

how is the weather outside right now?

windy and cold

what was your first thought this morning when you woke up?

Already???

How about you?