A Horrible First Kiss

I was fourteen (almost fifteen) when I had my first real, and extremely bad, kiss.

My friend Abby* was spending the night and we had two of our guy friends over while my parents were out. There was music playing on the stereo, something totally pop and early ‘90s I’m sure. Abby and Randy were egging Allen on to dance with me, hold my hand, kiss me. Allen had recently become Abby’s ex-boyfriend and was Randy’s close friend. We all hung out together often.

Both Allen and Randy liked Abby and I liked both Allen and Randy, of course.

I can’t remember exactly how it went down, but in my memory Abby and Randy spent the entire evening trying to get Allen and me together. At one point, Allen and I were slow dancing to whatever was on the stereo, the two of us alone in the living room with the lights low. I draped my arms around his neck and he wrapped his arms around my waist, his hands on my lower back. A few inches taller than me, he bent his head down a bit so that our foreheads were pressed together as we swayed to the song. He said something that made me look up into his face, and when I did, he kissed me. Not a soft peck on the lips, but an open mouthed, almost violent kiss, his tongue stiff and thrusting in and out of my mouth like a lizard’s. I didn’t know what to do or how I was supposed to respond, so I closed my eyes and let him probe my mouth until he was finished. In the dark room, even with my eyes closed I couldn’t miss the flashes of a camera. We were caught on film for all the world to see. When we stopped kissing, we opened our eyes, smiled at each other and then yelled at Abby for taking our picture.

It didn’t take long before I discovered that Allen only kissed me because he thought it was what Abby wanted. He was trying to get back into her good graces so that she would date him again. I tried with all my might to make him like me the way he seemed to like her, but in the end, that kiss and the few that followed were gladly tossed into the recesses of my memory, replaced by much better kisses and, eventually, much more sincere boys.

*All names were changed to protect the innocent (and guilty).

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This is my response to the prompt, First Kiss, at Creativity Corner, a new series of creativity prompts at Write Out Loud. If you'd like to join in, write your own response to the prompt and then head over to Write Out Loud and leave a link in the First Kiss comments.

NaNoWriMo: I'm Doing it Again

At this time two years ago I was considering taking the leap into the world of NaNoWriMo. Eventually I decided to jump in, and came out the other side frazzled, wondering where November went, but almost 40,000 words closer to my first novel. I'm still working on that story, but this year I again found myself thinking about diving into a month of writing wildly.

I don't have a new novel idea yet, but I'm considering giving it a go anyway. If I can't come up with a fiction plot in the next four days, I might do an unofficial version of NaNo and either dedicate the month to finishing my first NaNovel or to working toward 50,000 words of the memoir I've been playing at for the last three years. Whatever I decide to do, you can be sure I'll keep you posted on my progress here.

Are any of you considering or planning to participate in NaNoWriMo? Do you have a solid plot prepared or are you planning to wing it?

Appreciating Me

It's Day 1 of Week 3 in my Gratitude Journey. The Gratitude Challenge for this week is to be grateful for who I am. As someone who holds herself to the highest standards and rarely feels she's good enough, this week will certainly be an interesting exercise in letting some crap go.

Today I'm supposed to "appreciate and give thanks for [my] unique personality, skills and talents." In some ways that is an easy task. I know what I am good at and I know that I have positive characteristics, that I am unique and talented. At the risk of sounding conceited, I know I'm smart, kind, compassionate and a good writer, among other things. But just writing that stuff down immediately triggers a long list of qualifications: sort of smart, usually kind, generally compassionate, pretty good writer. I start thinking I'm not as good a writer or as smart as so-and-so. I wasn't very compassionate the other day. Those things I thought about that stranger weren't very kind.

It's easy and common to judge myself harshly. It is real work, a rare occurrence, to allow myself to be grateful for all the things I am without worrying about all the things I am not. I'm going to try, though. Today I am going to pay attention to the things I like about myself, the things I can be proud of, the things that make me who I am. I'll leave the judgment and self-deprecation for another day.

What qualities and characteristics make you who you are? What talents and skills can you claim and be proud of--without wishing you were better at or more of something?

If you'd like to take The Gratitude Challenge, you can start any time. Just visit the website and sign your own pledge. You can also read more about what I'm grateful for by following my Gratitude Journey.

My Life Through Rose-Colored Glasses

I'm about half-way through Week 2 of my Gratitude Journey via The Gratitude Challenge, and this week's exercises have been focused on paying attention and staying positive--two things that most American's seem to have problems with. (And when I say most Americans I'm pointing directly at myself.)

While the exercises for the week weren't specifically written ones, I thought I'd take some time here to explore what I've been discovering as I practice being present and positive.

I'm really grateful to have all five of my senses. A few nights ago I was making dinner and I really paid attention to how my senses heightened the experience. There were the sounds: the sizzle of oil and the crackle of onions as I tossed them in; the rhythmic sound of the knife slicing through the vegetables and then hitting the cutting board. The smells were rich and tempting: onions, apple and curry, all earthy and sweet. The feel of the strength in my hands and arms, their repetitive movement as I chopped, stirred and tossed reminded me of all the things I can do because my body is healthy and whole. As I spooned the mixture into a bowl, the slightly varying shades of beige and yellow, shads that would normally blend together and seem dull, were bright and vibrant. And the taste--oh, the taste--how something so simple could combine to make a satisfying and nourishing meal amazed me.

Walks can be meditative, if I let them. Today, I used my lunch break to walk to the post office. It's a gorgeous day here in Maryland and I was pleasantly surprised by the warmth of the sun. The breeze was the perfect contrast, cooling me before I got too hot. I could smell the blossoms of fall foliage and the decay of early fallen leaves. The sensation of my feet hitting the sidewalk in time to the song I hummed made me smile.

Choosing to be present helps me to be positive. By paying attention to each moment, I'm learning that just as the positive moments pass, so do the negative ones. I don't have to be bogged down by negative feelings or frustrated by less enjoyable moments. Instead, I can experience them and let them pass, knowing that a new moment is already on its way.

It seems this week has me looking at my life through rose-colored glasses. Things won't always be happy or perfect or exciting, but somewhere amidst whatever I'm experiencing I now know that I can find a glimmer of gratitude to keep me going.

What sense experiences make you grateful? How can being more aware of these experiences help you live in a more positive way? If you'd like to take The Gratitude Challenge, you can start any time. Just visit the website and sign your own pledge. You can also read more about what I'm grateful for by following my Gratitude Journey.

In Recognition of My Internet Community

It's the beginning of Week 2 of my Gratitude Journey and today's Gratitude Challenge is to write 5 thank-you notes to people who deserve some recognition. While I'm not going to type out my notes here (I'm still not quite sure which people I'll be recognizing), I thought it might be a good time to write a thank-you note of sorts to my internet community.

The fact that I have been able to "meet" people that I truly connect with without ever seeing them face-to-face, or in most cases even talking to them, never fails to surprise me. And yet, there are at least a dozen wonderful human beings who have become important to me since I began reading blogs, and later, participating on Twitter. These people not only share their lives with me, but they talk to me about things we have in common, are willing to honestly and open-mindedly discuss the things we don't agree on, offer up amazing advice, and gladly accept and provide support whenever it's needed. They may not sit down across a table from me for coffee or chat with me everyday, but I'm proud to call them my internet friends.

I hope that one day I'll meet them all in person. Until then, we'll continue to "tweet" one another, read and comment on each other's blogs and exchange emails or phone calls. If I could have these people around the corner, I'd certainly choose that. But just having them at all is a blessing I'm truly grateful for.

What thing, person, place or moment makes you most grateful today? If you'd like to take The Gratitude Challenge, you can start any time. Just visit the website and sign your own pledge. You can also read more about what I'm grateful for by following my Gratitude Journey.

A Picture of Gratitude

Yesterday's assignment for The Gratitude Challenge was to call someone I hadn't talked to in a while and tell that person how much I appreciated her. It didn't take long for me to decide who I would call and what I would say. I'll keep the details between me and her, but suffice it to say that when she didn't answer and I had to leave a message I was actually happy. Knowing that she would listen to my voice after a harried day trying to run a family and a business, I was almost giddy with joy. My voice and the appreciation I expressed would hopefully be a wonderful ending to a stressful day.

Since the assignment for yesterday didn't really involve writing anything down, I hadn't planned to blog about it at all, but then I saw today's assignment and realized the story was connected to what I've chosen to share today. It's a picture of two things that I'm truly grateful for: my cell phone and my computer.

Without these two objects that I generally take for granted, I would be disconnected from so many of my family and friends. That woman I called yesterday? We're lucky to see each other and talk in person twice a year. But with my cell phone and my computer we can get in touch with one another at a moment's notice. I can reach out to my friends in Arizona, Kentucky, Louisiana, Minnesota, California, or New York. I can hear my mother's voice every day if I want to. I can send my sister an encouraging email as soon as I hear she's feeling down.

Sure, without my cell phone and computer I'd still have paper and pens and envelopes and stamps, but I would have the tender voices of friends and family when I most need them. I wouldn't have their near-instant emailed (or Tweeted) responses to my questions and concerns. I'd be lost and lonely without those two pieces of technology...and I don't even want to imagine what that would feel like.

What thing, person, place or moment makes you most grateful today? If you'd like to take The Gratitude Challenge, you can start any time. Just visit the website and sign your own pledge. You can also read more about what I'm grateful for by following my Gratitude Journey.

Counting My Blessings

I wouldn't consider myself a negative person. In fact, I tend to be the optimist in the room. I generally try to see the bright side of a situation, almost always give a person the benefit of the doubt. That doesn't mean I don't have negative days or get discouraged when disappointing things happen around me. And while I'm pretty easy on other people, I am almost always VERY hard on myself.

Today's Gratitude Challenge exercise is to count my blessings, to take five minutes and focus on all the wonderful things in my life. I'm doing this stream-of-consciousness style because I believe that one tiny mustard seed of gratitude can build a mountain of thankfulness.

I'm grateful for a mother who has been wonderful to me all my life, for a family who supports me, for friends who surround me with love even from hundreds of miles away.

I am grateful for the opportunities I have had to travel near and far, to see people and places I'd never seen before and experience cultures that were new to me.

I am grateful for my education, both in the classroom and in the world.

I am grateful for the ability and opportunity to read until my heart is content and to learn from the words and stories of others.

I am grateful for my desire to tell my own stories, for my love of words and the ability to weave them into sentences, paragraphs and pages that will eventually (hopefully) convey meaning to others.

I am grateful for a community of writers, both in person and online, that inspires me, encourages me and teaches me every day.

I am grateful for a job that allows me to both pay my bills and do what I love.

I am grateful for opportunities to expand my abilities and skills and to use those abilities and skills to help myself and others grow.

I am grateful for my home and the things in it.

I am grateful for the compassion I feel toward others and my desire and ability to act on it in the best ways I can.

I am grateful for my spiritual development and the life I have.

I am grateful for every breath I have taken and every moment I have lived.

I am grateful for the nature and beauty I am surrounded by.

I am grateful for trees and sun and warmth and cool breezes and freshly cut grass and fallen leaves and the first snowflakes of the season--not only for the experiences of them, but for the memories of them.

I am grateful for life.

What are you grateful for today? If you'd like to take The Gratitude Challenge, you can start any time. Just visit the website and sign your own pledge. You can also read more about what I'm grateful for by following my Gratitude Journey.

Bad Isn't Always Bad

As part of The Gratitude Challenge, today I'm supposed to write a thank-you note for some of the "negative" things in my life. It's not easy to look at the things I consider bad or disappointing or negative and say, "Hey thanks, Universe, I'm really grateful for that crap you've been sending me lately." The more I think about it, though, the more I know there is a positive spin to all that stuff I've been resisting. It may not be obvious and it may not take away all the troubles of the negatives, but it certainly makes them more bearable.

Dear Universe,

Thanks for all the family drama. There's certainly been a lot of it. Of most recent note was that family spat last week that had my stomach tied up in knots. The conflict wasn't exactly a blessing, but in the midst of it I realized how grateful I am to still have a father, to be able to talk to him every week and tell him I love him. I recognized that despite the strain among members of my family and the problems that broken homes can cause, I have love and support almost everywhere I turn. It may not come from the people I expect, and it may not be the result of blood ties, but it is there and it buoys me every day.

Thanks, too, for helping me step out of my comfort zone and walk the spiritual path that is right for me. Having been part of a particular group and then losing that integral connection in my life, I've been carrying around hurt and anger for quite some time. But in a conversation with a friend over the weekend, I also realized that I'm grateful for those broken ties and rejections of the past, as well as for the connections that remain despite what I like to call "the break-up". I'm healing and I'm finding that I'm stronger and more courageous for having lost that community. I wish it hadn't been that way...I wish I hadn't had to let go of that part of my life. But in the end, I was able to hold onto those things that I strongly believe in and let the conflict and doubt dissipate. It's not easy to turn away from something that has been ingrained into my being for so long, but having to defend my position and stand firm in my beliefs has strengthened them (and me) in a way that I never could have imagined possible.

Thanks, Universe, for showing me the way and helping me to see things from new vantage points. Sometimes life is hard, sometimes things suck, but in the end I will find meaning and purpose in all of it--even if it's only a tiny glimmer of hope.

Gratitude ABCs

Today's gratitude assignment, compliments of The Gratitude Challenge, is to make a list of things I'm grateful for using the letters of the alphabet as my prompt.

I am grateful for:

A - Autumn and the apples that come with it, straight from the tree
B - Books of all kinds, ones that make me think, inspire me, or just plain entertain
C - Chocolate of course...the dark creamy kind that melts slowly in your mouth
D - Dreams and the chance to chase them
E - Exciting opportunities and open doors for new experiences
F - Friends that support and love me no matter what idiotic things I do or say
G - Giggles and uncontrollable laughter
H - Hugs at the exact moment when I need them; health and happiness
I - Ice cream on a hot summer day; individuality; independence
J - Just enough of everything I need
K - Kisses that make me weak in the knees
L - Love in all its shapes and forms
M - My Mom, whose love and strength I can only hope to emulate
N - Nature and the chance to spend time enjoying it
O - Organic farmers and the food they produce
P - Pretty things
Q - Quiet time
R - Respect (given and received)
S - Sister that put up with my big-sister-stuff for all those years and still trusts me
T - Travel to places I've never been before, as well as to places I know and love
U - Unexpected blessings
V - Vitamins and vegetables
W - Words and the opportunity to use them, shape them and make them my own
X - X-tended vacations
Y - Yeses
Z - Zest for life

This wasn't easy--especially X, Y and Z. But it was fun and really forced me to consider all the big and little things that I'm grateful for. What are your ABCs of gratitude?

Living a Life of Gratitude

I've decided to start a little project. Learning to practice gratitude has become an important goal for my life and I want to nourish the development of that practice. I have had a hard time in the past doing things like journaling about gratitude regularly, though. So when I recently came across The Gratitude Challenge, sponsored by Tiny Prints, I felt it was a prompt from the Universe to help me practice gratitude more consistently.

As you see, I downloaded the pledge and signed it and I'm ready to give consistent, purposeful gratitude a chance. I believe that cultivating an attitude of gratitude in my life is important for my own well-being, as well as the well-being of those I encounter. I trust that expressing gratitude in all situations, for all things--good and bad, easy and difficult, desired and unexpected--will help me grow and develop, allowing me to live my best, most purposeful life. It may sound hokey, but I honestly feel that gratitude can change the world.

For the next 21 days, I will consciously choose to recognize the things in my life for which I can be grateful--especially when it seems difficult to locate those tiny glimmers of gold hiding among the pebbles. Today, I am grateful for this challenge to change my perspective and make a shift toward a life filled with gratitude.

How do you practice gratitude? If you're not already practicing gratitude in your daily life, are you willing to join me in this journey? I'll be sharing my gratitude experience with you. If you decide to take the challenge, too, I hope you'll come back and let me know how it's going. And if you blog about your gratitude journey, feel free to leave me a link to your blog or posts so that we can all visit and cheer each other on.

Sunday Scribbling: Hungry

It's been quite some time since I've written a Sunday Scribblings post, but the prompts over the last few weeks have been tickling my muse. I've finally got a few minutes and thought I'd dig in and see what she produces when I let her loose.

Prompt #181: Hungry

It starts as a general sense of emptiness. I notice it because it feels like nothing, as if I am only recognizing what was there now that it is gone. I continue on with my task, making my bed and putting away clothes, straightening up my room.

After several minutes, the grumbling begins, occasional and quiet at first, so that only I can hear it. Inside the churning is slight and bearable. As I shake out sheets and tuck in corners, I consider food, what to eat, what my body would like today, now, for this meal.

My stomach persists in its demands and then other body parts join in. We are hungry, my head tells me, aching a bit as I bend over to pick up a pair of shoes. We need to eat, my mouth says, salivating so much I have to swallow before hanging up my shirt. Feed us, my stomach screams, gurgling so loudly my cat lifts her head from the bed and meows.

OK, I relent. I am hungry. My body has spoken. I must feed it now, bless it with nourishment, treat it with respect.

Your Votes in Action

A while back I asked for your advice on which eyeglasses frames I should choose. You promptly voted and I had a clear winner. Unfortunately, I sat on your input for weeks (MONTHS) and when I finally went back to get my glasses, the frames you chose were no where to be found. I did take the pictures of the frames you most liked, though, and used your advice to choose some comparable styles.

Since I waited so long, I got a great deal, where I managed to get two pairs of complete glasses for less than I paid for a single pair the last time I bought new frames (at least three years ago).

Ta-da!

Pair #1:



And pair #2:



(I know, I know. They're very similar. It's very funny how you don't realize these things until you're taking pictures of yourself.)

Thanks for the great advice, dear readers. I should come to you with all my life altering style questions from now on.

CSA Shares - Weeks 10, 11 and 12

For the record -

Week 10

• 2 heads of lettuce
• 2 yellow squash
• 1 zucchini
• 1 cucumber
• small bunch of chard
• 1 tomato
• large bunch of scallions

Week 11

• 2 yellow squash
• 4 small apples
• 2 tomatoes
• possibly something else I'm forgetting, but this week was a pretty small share

Week 12

• 2 yellow squash
• 4 lbs tomatoes
• 2 apples
• 1 bunch chard
• 1 pint yellow pear tomatoes (like cherry tomatoes only yellow and pear shaped)
• 1 pint raspberries
  

Change Is In the Air

I'm having a hard time posting here these days, as you can tell. I'm not sure if it's a lack of time, motivation or content that keeps me from writing. Maybe it's bit of everything.

Since I can't seem to write about much other than the food I bring home and the meals I prepare, I've been thinking about why I started blogging in the first place and where this little old blog is headed. I like connecting with other people through my blogs, and I don't feel like lists of CSA shares and the occasional recipe are building my blogging community. At the same time, fresh food and cooking are things that I'm really enjoying right now. Everything has its season, and maybe Writing: My Life isn't where I'm at anymore. Or maybe this little old space just needs a makeover of sorts.

As I figure out where I'm going, I'll share with you here. In the meantime, I'm writing more at Write Out Loud. I'm taking on more freelance projects. I'm reading a lot and I'm playing around with some personal creative writing projects. You'll also find me on Twitter. I hope you'll keep in touch and keep me in your readers. I'll be back. I promise.

CSA Report - Week 9

We got our first heirloom tomatoes this week! Unfortunately, you won't see it in that picture below because I promptly sliced it and ate it before remembering to take the photo. I got another good-sized share this week:

• 2 lbs potatoes
• .25 lb chard
• 1 head of lettuce
• 1 large tomato (not pictured)
  
• 1 yellow squash
  

I finally cooked up those mustard greens from last week with a little red onion, some garlic and olive oil, cooking them down until they were really well-done. They were a little bitter, but that might have had more due to the fact that I waited so long to cook them. I could definitely taste the mustard flavor in them, which I found really interesting.

Looking forward to using up this week's share...

OLS Week 9 - Balsamic Eggplant and Tomato Stacks

Last year I made Roasted Eggplant and Tomato Stacks. They were a big hit and I wanted to make them again, this time with local chevre. I did NOT, however, want to turn on the oven to roast the eggplant, what with the 90 degree weather this weekend.

Instead, I decided to grill the eggplant slices. I marinated them in balsamic vinegar and olive oil and tossed them on the old George Foreman until they were tender. Then I stacked the slices with chevre, basil, and tomato slices. I drizzled them with balsamic vinegar and savored every bite. As Rachel Ray would say, Yum-O!

(Local Low-Down: eggplant, tomatoes and chevre from the farmers market and basil from my back yard. Vinegar and olive oil not local.)

I also made a few mostly local dishes throughout the week. There was the Spinach and Goat Cheese Pasta (all local but the pasta, salt and pepper and oil). This dinner was delicious and the leftovers were just as good. I ate them several nights in a row.

For lunch during the week, I made a local Caprese Salad (all the ingredients were local except the balsamic vinegar and olive oil) with a piece of local baguette to sop up the extra balsamic vinegar.

It's been a great week for local eating!

The Post Office - A Lesson in Patience

A few days ago I ran into the post office to mail a couple of cards. One of said cards was square, which means I had to pay for additional postage. There was a short line, so I took my place and waited.

And waited.

With only one employee behind the counter, the line got longer and longer as the next customer stepped up to the counter with a tote bag full of packages to be weighed, stamped and paid for. The gentleman in front of me huffed and puffed, sighing loudly and shifting his weight back and forth dramatically. The woman behind me tapped her pen on the table beside us until she finally called out to another employee who was clearly working on something other than customer service, "Can I just find out if I have enough postage on this?" The employee smiled and calmly instructed her on how to use the self-mailing station to weigh and determine the postage for her package. In the meantime, several customers entered the building, looked at the line and promptly turned around to leave.

The line was not that long. There were about four people behind me and three in front of me. From the time I stood on the line to the time I walked out the door, about 10 minutes had passed. And yet from the patrons' responses, you would have thought we were waiting for hours.

I admit, my first reaction in seeing the line and the one poor employee standing behind the counter, was a silent groan. But in the waiting I had time to take a few deep breaths, plan my dinner, and mentally check off my to-dos. When it was my turn, I stepped up to the counter, smiled at the woman helping me, paid for my extra postage and went on my way, thankful for ten minutes in which I didn't have to do anything.

CSA Report - Week 8

Oh, the joy of fresh vegetables straight from the farm! I can't tell you enough how much I love knowing exactly where and how my vegetables are grown.

This week I brought home:

• 2 lbs potatoes
• 1/2 lb chard
• 1/2 lb mustard greens (what to do with these?)
• 1 head of lettuce
• 1 bunch scallions

It's really starting to get good. Blackberries are around the corner. Tomatoes are starting to ripen. Cucumbers and zucchini are on the way. I'm already preparing to freeze and maybe even can some of the extras because if the rest of the summer is anything like last year I'm going to have a hard time using up my share.

Spinach and Goat Cheese Pasta Recipe

I just finished cooking and immediately eating the best dinner I've had in ages. This recipe, inspired by one I saw on Giada, had three of my favorite ingredients: pasta, spinach, and my new love chevre. The resulting pasta dish was creamy, rich and full of flavor. Trust me, you want to try this one!

Spinach and Goat Cheese Pasta

Ingredients:

1 lb rigatoni
2 tsp olive oil, divided
1 small onion, sliced
1 large garlic clove, minced
6 cups packed fresh spinach, roughly chopped
1 cup cherry tomatoes, halved (or quartered if large)
6 oz soft goat cheese
salt and pepper to taste

Instructions:

Bring a large pot of salted water to boil and add pasta. Cook and then drain, reserving at least 1 cup of pasta water. Set aside.

In a large skillet, heat 1 tsp olive oil over medium heat. Add garlic and onion, cooking until the onion is soft and beginning to caramelize. Toss in the spinach and tomatoes, heating until the spinach is just wilted and still bright green. Remove from heat.

Add the pasta to the skillet and crumble the goat cheese over it. Stir or toss with tongs until the cheese is melted, adding enough of the reserved pasta water to create a sauce. Add salt and pepper to taste and serve.

OLS Week 8 - Potatoes and Green Beans Go Hand-in-Hand

This week's featured local meal consisted of a large helping of my newest salad obsession: Potato and Green Bean Salad. I really wish I'd taken a picture, because it's pretty to look at, too.

I brought home a great haul from the farmer's market today and I'm looking forward to getting creative for my local meal this week. I've got eggs, fresh spinach, onions, an eggplant, green peppers, a cucumber, mozzarella cheese, white peaches, Summer Rambo apples, and apricots (probably the last of the season). That will be supplemented with what I'm expecting to be a pretty good share from the CSA this week that will probably include chard, scallions, potatoes and lettuce among other things. I'm also planning to pick up some local goat cheese.

Any ideas for local meals using these ingredients? Feel free to share suggestions. I'm feeling adventurous!